Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Trying.
I'm trying to get better, but there's always something causing me to be sad. There's always something that is able to break through the wall and bring me down. I don't get it. I want to be happy, more than anything, but I'm being my own worst enemy right now. I get so nervous and so anxious about everything. I get so mad about everything. I get so damn sad about everything. The things people say, I just want to shake them and open them up to the world I live in, think in, feel in. Nobody gets it. They act like they do, they may even try to, but they don't. Nobody is as grateful as they say. They all want money, new things, better people. They want all of this and all I want is to be happy. Just a day of pure joy. No money, things, or people necessarily needed. I want the old me back. The one before the anxiety, anger, and depression. I just want my life back. Please.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Okay.
I'm not even going to act like that didn't hurt my feelings. You said things could be this way and now you're saying otherwise. It hurt.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011
12/31/11
Wow, has it been a year. I knew going into this year that things would change, but I don't think I fully comprehended what that actually meant. So much has happened and I'd like to share it with you.
I remember January being terrible. I was the saddest that I had ever been at that point and I was beyond lonely. I felt sad all of the time and that wasn't acceptable, seeing as I wanted to be happy this year. So, with that said, I started changing. The very last day of January, I texted Sarah because I missed her.
February, me and Sarah talked more and we both lived up to our word, as we both told each other that we didn't want to be alone for Valentines Day this year, so we spent it together. Also, in February, I went to Scholars Day for Wayne State and ended up getting $16,000 for scholarships to Wayne State. I was ecstatic! Also, Haleigh, Crystal, and I drove to Cleaveland Heights, Ohio to see Max Bemis, the lead singer of the band Say Anything. It was so great! We all sang on the way there and sang at the show, too. We got a hotel after, but it was really hot. I couldn't care too much, though, because I was out of state with my best friends, feeling free.
In March, I got the report card that decided my fate: it told me whether or not I would be Co-Valedictorian, whether or not I'd be giving a speech at graduation. I opened it; I WAS STILL NUMBER TWO! I don't think anybody knows how happy I was at that moment. I felt more accomplished than ever.
In April, I went to fifth grade camp. I was a camp counselor and became really good friends with a girl named Haley Konfrst. We hungout a lot there. We had coffee breaks, sneaking her into my cabin, and fruit snack games on the deck. It was so much fun. Also, my birthday was on the last day at camp and they sang to me. I came home and Crystal picked me up and my mom gave us money to go to Taco Bell. My parents know me too well, haha. Also, in April, I told Sarah I could no longer do this and that I needed time to myself.
In May, things started to feel surreal and I finally got the feeling that I'd soon be leaving high school. I went to prom with Jamie-Lynn who looked beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better date. She ruled. Afterwards, Jamie, Katie, and I went up-north to spend the weekend at Jamie's cabin. I remember me and Jamie shared a bed and, for some reason, that made me really happy. The next day, we ended up getting a flat tire and had to drive home on a tire that used fix-a-flat to seal the hole. Also, I guess you could say that Christy and I sort of talked again. I don't know why we always do this, honestly. Also, at the end of May, we had our last band concert, which involved people dressed in Star Wars costumes. I also received the honor of winning the John Philip Sousa award. I could've cried because I was so happy.
June came and my last day of high school occurred. It was sad. I made sure to talk to Ms. Lojewski as much as possible. She affected my life greatly and I hope she never forgets me, either. I look up to her more than I could ever say. We had the farewell assembly and all that I remember is Lojewski and Arseneau blowing me kisses as I walked down the aisle. They'll always be my favorites. Then graduation came and I had to give my speech. I was pretty nervous, but I wanted to do this so bad. I gave my speech and while I was giving it, I just remember thinking "I'm doing it! I'm living a dream of mine!" I remember being so happy and the huge applaud after meant so much to me. That applaud, in my opinion, symbolized the start of my summer.
In July, I hungout with Haleigh and Crystal as much as possible. We didn't hangout everyday like the past, but we hungout a lot, still. I started talking to Sarah, again, on the fourth, and I'm happy to say that we're still talking. I jumped off of a ladder and into Crystal's pool, except the ladder moved and I landed on the side of the pool. You can bet your bottom dollar that it hurt so bad. I distinctly remember going to Luna Pier to watch fireworks. That was an off-guard kind of happy day. I didn't think that it was going to be that great, but it was. I also saw Jack's Mannequin for the second time with Katie.
In August, Haleigh, Crystal, and I all went to the zoo for Haleigh's birthday. It was fun! I really liked the baby elephant. I also got to go back to Band Camp as the Saxophone instructor. I was really excited considering that I took the place of my middle-school band instructor! Also, in August, I got to see one of my favorite bands ever: Tigers Jaw! It was awesome. Then, I moved into my college dorm. I met my roommates and it was pretty awkward, but we've all grown a little closer. Especially me and Chandler. I also met some pretty cool people that live down the hall from me.
In September, I mainly focused on school and I came home every weekend to hangout with my friends.
In October, I got to go see Saves the Day with Haleigh and Crystal! Also, I got to see Andrew Jackson Jihad with Crystal. On Halloween, I had to go to my speech class. Growing up sucks.
In November, I got to go see The Front Bottoms in East Lansing with Crystal. I also went and seen Fitz & The Tantrums with Eric, Matt, and Jessica. On Thanksgiving, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Thanksgiving Day parade. We saw my old marching band march, and we saw my brother, who is the Drum Major this year. The day after, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Light Parade in Howell. We actually got to see floats this year!
December flaked in and finals were crushing me. I ended up getting into a deep rut and was the saddest I had ever felt in my life. I hated it. Luckily I made it through and ended up getting a 3.9 GPA. This Christmas was the best that I've ever had and I'm lucky to have been able to spend it with my best friends this year. I love Haleigh and Crystal so much. On the 27, Haleigh, Crystal, and I saw Tigers Jaw for a second time! It was even better than the first!
And that brings me to where I am right now, sitting on my bed, listening to The Wonder Years. I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I made it through this year. I'm happy to have changed as much as I did. I did things for me this year. Fifth grade camp, graduating, band camp, shows, college; it all was so worth it.
I became friends with Shelby again, I started talking to Brandy again, I stopped talking to others. I started going on bike rides and I've lost thirty pounds since June. I feel like things are starting to work out for me. For once, I feel like my resolutions are working and they are going to better me. I feel like things are, honestly, great, for once. I feel okay about myself.
So, now, I want to make a huge change in my life. I want to lose more weight. I want to speak my mind even more. I want to continue to change and be happy and do the things that make me happy. 2011 was definitely a changing year, a learning year, a transition year. It was all worth it. It definitely added to who I am as a person and everything worked out. I learned about a lot of things and I hope to remember most of them. I like remembering because it's all we really have.
This was a year of beginnings and ends. I started college. I finished my book. I started caring about myself. I stopped caring about negativity. It all worked out.
Sitting here, I'm hoping for a better year. Although my mind seems elsewhere right now, and I feel somewhat disconnected from this, future me, remember, you'll make it. Remember that if you feel that nobody loves you, I do. I really do. You'll make it through the worst of things, you always have. Believe in yourself and try to be more outgoing. You'll enjoy it so much more. You're capable. You're able. You're going to be okay.
And with that, I think I'm ready. I'm ready to face a new year. I don't want to set up many expectations. I want to be happy and that is all.
So, with 11 hours until the New Year, I'll be waiting, hanging out with Haleigh and Crystal, and making the best of my last few hours in this year, a year that I'll never be able to relive. And I can honestly say, I'm happy about that. I'm making room for more happiness. Life is great and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Bring on 2012!
I'm not sad anymore, I'm just tired of this place. If this year would just end, I think we'd all be okay.
Wow, has it been a year. I knew going into this year that things would change, but I don't think I fully comprehended what that actually meant. So much has happened and I'd like to share it with you.
I remember January being terrible. I was the saddest that I had ever been at that point and I was beyond lonely. I felt sad all of the time and that wasn't acceptable, seeing as I wanted to be happy this year. So, with that said, I started changing. The very last day of January, I texted Sarah because I missed her.
February, me and Sarah talked more and we both lived up to our word, as we both told each other that we didn't want to be alone for Valentines Day this year, so we spent it together. Also, in February, I went to Scholars Day for Wayne State and ended up getting $16,000 for scholarships to Wayne State. I was ecstatic! Also, Haleigh, Crystal, and I drove to Cleaveland Heights, Ohio to see Max Bemis, the lead singer of the band Say Anything. It was so great! We all sang on the way there and sang at the show, too. We got a hotel after, but it was really hot. I couldn't care too much, though, because I was out of state with my best friends, feeling free.
In March, I got the report card that decided my fate: it told me whether or not I would be Co-Valedictorian, whether or not I'd be giving a speech at graduation. I opened it; I WAS STILL NUMBER TWO! I don't think anybody knows how happy I was at that moment. I felt more accomplished than ever.
In April, I went to fifth grade camp. I was a camp counselor and became really good friends with a girl named Haley Konfrst. We hungout a lot there. We had coffee breaks, sneaking her into my cabin, and fruit snack games on the deck. It was so much fun. Also, my birthday was on the last day at camp and they sang to me. I came home and Crystal picked me up and my mom gave us money to go to Taco Bell. My parents know me too well, haha. Also, in April, I told Sarah I could no longer do this and that I needed time to myself.
In May, things started to feel surreal and I finally got the feeling that I'd soon be leaving high school. I went to prom with Jamie-Lynn who looked beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better date. She ruled. Afterwards, Jamie, Katie, and I went up-north to spend the weekend at Jamie's cabin. I remember me and Jamie shared a bed and, for some reason, that made me really happy. The next day, we ended up getting a flat tire and had to drive home on a tire that used fix-a-flat to seal the hole. Also, I guess you could say that Christy and I sort of talked again. I don't know why we always do this, honestly. Also, at the end of May, we had our last band concert, which involved people dressed in Star Wars costumes. I also received the honor of winning the John Philip Sousa award. I could've cried because I was so happy.
June came and my last day of high school occurred. It was sad. I made sure to talk to Ms. Lojewski as much as possible. She affected my life greatly and I hope she never forgets me, either. I look up to her more than I could ever say. We had the farewell assembly and all that I remember is Lojewski and Arseneau blowing me kisses as I walked down the aisle. They'll always be my favorites. Then graduation came and I had to give my speech. I was pretty nervous, but I wanted to do this so bad. I gave my speech and while I was giving it, I just remember thinking "I'm doing it! I'm living a dream of mine!" I remember being so happy and the huge applaud after meant so much to me. That applaud, in my opinion, symbolized the start of my summer.
In July, I hungout with Haleigh and Crystal as much as possible. We didn't hangout everyday like the past, but we hungout a lot, still. I started talking to Sarah, again, on the fourth, and I'm happy to say that we're still talking. I jumped off of a ladder and into Crystal's pool, except the ladder moved and I landed on the side of the pool. You can bet your bottom dollar that it hurt so bad. I distinctly remember going to Luna Pier to watch fireworks. That was an off-guard kind of happy day. I didn't think that it was going to be that great, but it was. I also saw Jack's Mannequin for the second time with Katie.
In August, Haleigh, Crystal, and I all went to the zoo for Haleigh's birthday. It was fun! I really liked the baby elephant. I also got to go back to Band Camp as the Saxophone instructor. I was really excited considering that I took the place of my middle-school band instructor! Also, in August, I got to see one of my favorite bands ever: Tigers Jaw! It was awesome. Then, I moved into my college dorm. I met my roommates and it was pretty awkward, but we've all grown a little closer. Especially me and Chandler. I also met some pretty cool people that live down the hall from me.
In September, I mainly focused on school and I came home every weekend to hangout with my friends.
In October, I got to go see Saves the Day with Haleigh and Crystal! Also, I got to see Andrew Jackson Jihad with Crystal. On Halloween, I had to go to my speech class. Growing up sucks.
In November, I got to go see The Front Bottoms in East Lansing with Crystal. I also went and seen Fitz & The Tantrums with Eric, Matt, and Jessica. On Thanksgiving, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Thanksgiving Day parade. We saw my old marching band march, and we saw my brother, who is the Drum Major this year. The day after, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Light Parade in Howell. We actually got to see floats this year!
December flaked in and finals were crushing me. I ended up getting into a deep rut and was the saddest I had ever felt in my life. I hated it. Luckily I made it through and ended up getting a 3.9 GPA. This Christmas was the best that I've ever had and I'm lucky to have been able to spend it with my best friends this year. I love Haleigh and Crystal so much. On the 27, Haleigh, Crystal, and I saw Tigers Jaw for a second time! It was even better than the first!
And that brings me to where I am right now, sitting on my bed, listening to The Wonder Years. I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I made it through this year. I'm happy to have changed as much as I did. I did things for me this year. Fifth grade camp, graduating, band camp, shows, college; it all was so worth it.
I became friends with Shelby again, I started talking to Brandy again, I stopped talking to others. I started going on bike rides and I've lost thirty pounds since June. I feel like things are starting to work out for me. For once, I feel like my resolutions are working and they are going to better me. I feel like things are, honestly, great, for once. I feel okay about myself.
So, now, I want to make a huge change in my life. I want to lose more weight. I want to speak my mind even more. I want to continue to change and be happy and do the things that make me happy. 2011 was definitely a changing year, a learning year, a transition year. It was all worth it. It definitely added to who I am as a person and everything worked out. I learned about a lot of things and I hope to remember most of them. I like remembering because it's all we really have.
This was a year of beginnings and ends. I started college. I finished my book. I started caring about myself. I stopped caring about negativity. It all worked out.
Sitting here, I'm hoping for a better year. Although my mind seems elsewhere right now, and I feel somewhat disconnected from this, future me, remember, you'll make it. Remember that if you feel that nobody loves you, I do. I really do. You'll make it through the worst of things, you always have. Believe in yourself and try to be more outgoing. You'll enjoy it so much more. You're capable. You're able. You're going to be okay.
And with that, I think I'm ready. I'm ready to face a new year. I don't want to set up many expectations. I want to be happy and that is all.
So, with 11 hours until the New Year, I'll be waiting, hanging out with Haleigh and Crystal, and making the best of my last few hours in this year, a year that I'll never be able to relive. And I can honestly say, I'm happy about that. I'm making room for more happiness. Life is great and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Bring on 2012!
Monday, December 12, 2011
I feel so fucking alone. I can't stop being sad and I don't know why. I'm just so fucking sad all of the time.
I told myself that I would stop being so sad and mopey and I thought that it would be easy. It isn't a choice anymore. I'm just not happy anymore.
I feel like Haleigh and Crystal hate me and I have no clue why. I honestly want to spend everyday of every weekend with them, but they seem to not want to hangout as badly as I want to.
My roommates broke a couple of my ornaments and for some reason, that really hurt my feelings. I'm not even mad that they broke them. I'm just sad. I don't even know why. It made me so fucking sad. I guess I just feel like they don't care enough about me to take care of my shit. I don't know.
I hate being so alone here. I hate not fitting in. I feel like everybody thinks that everybody else here is hilarious and a great person and I'm just viewed as boring or weird. I hate being the outcast. I hate being the odd one. I'm not odd, people just don't get me. Not that I'm extremely complex, but I don't always like to do things that others like. I don't like video games or movies or things like that. I just like to talk and get to know people and play music and sing and be happy. That's it.
I don't want Christmas to be here. Actually, I'm pretty scared. I don't want it to be terrible. I just want everything to be fixed. I have no sense of family and everything is just spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I can't fix it. I can't make things alright and that scares me.
Usually, in the past, I've been able to feel okay and make myself better, but that isn't the case anymore. I can't stop it. The sadness won't stop. I've tried, but it's hard when even those that you fucking love with everything in you fucking reject you.
I can't do this much longer. I can't keep being this unhappy because it's driving me insane. I feel miserable. It's getting too difficult. I try to talk to people, but they couldn't care less and I know I annoy them. I guess I complain too much.
I know I couldn't ever kill myself but the thought of being dead has been on my mind much too often lately.
I'm so sorry to everybody that I bother. It's just difficult because I feel things so intensely. It's just too difficult.
I'm sorry.
I just want to be happy.
I told myself that I would stop being so sad and mopey and I thought that it would be easy. It isn't a choice anymore. I'm just not happy anymore.
I feel like Haleigh and Crystal hate me and I have no clue why. I honestly want to spend everyday of every weekend with them, but they seem to not want to hangout as badly as I want to.
My roommates broke a couple of my ornaments and for some reason, that really hurt my feelings. I'm not even mad that they broke them. I'm just sad. I don't even know why. It made me so fucking sad. I guess I just feel like they don't care enough about me to take care of my shit. I don't know.
I hate being so alone here. I hate not fitting in. I feel like everybody thinks that everybody else here is hilarious and a great person and I'm just viewed as boring or weird. I hate being the outcast. I hate being the odd one. I'm not odd, people just don't get me. Not that I'm extremely complex, but I don't always like to do things that others like. I don't like video games or movies or things like that. I just like to talk and get to know people and play music and sing and be happy. That's it.
I don't want Christmas to be here. Actually, I'm pretty scared. I don't want it to be terrible. I just want everything to be fixed. I have no sense of family and everything is just spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I can't fix it. I can't make things alright and that scares me.
Usually, in the past, I've been able to feel okay and make myself better, but that isn't the case anymore. I can't stop it. The sadness won't stop. I've tried, but it's hard when even those that you fucking love with everything in you fucking reject you.
I can't do this much longer. I can't keep being this unhappy because it's driving me insane. I feel miserable. It's getting too difficult. I try to talk to people, but they couldn't care less and I know I annoy them. I guess I complain too much.
I know I couldn't ever kill myself but the thought of being dead has been on my mind much too often lately.
I'm so sorry to everybody that I bother. It's just difficult because I feel things so intensely. It's just too difficult.
I'm sorry.
I just want to be happy.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
I'm just tired.
I'm tired of everyone being so pissed, mad, upset with each other. I'm tired of people being mad at me for being me. I'm tired of everyone else choosing the date, time, place, mood.
I'm changing and I'm no longer saying sorry.
I'm starting to grow into myself.
I'm changing and I'm no longer saying sorry.
I'm starting to grow into myself.
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