Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Trying.
I'm trying to get better, but there's always something causing me to be sad. There's always something that is able to break through the wall and bring me down. I don't get it. I want to be happy, more than anything, but I'm being my own worst enemy right now. I get so nervous and so anxious about everything. I get so mad about everything. I get so damn sad about everything. The things people say, I just want to shake them and open them up to the world I live in, think in, feel in. Nobody gets it. They act like they do, they may even try to, but they don't. Nobody is as grateful as they say. They all want money, new things, better people. They want all of this and all I want is to be happy. Just a day of pure joy. No money, things, or people necessarily needed. I want the old me back. The one before the anxiety, anger, and depression. I just want my life back. Please.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Okay.
I'm not even going to act like that didn't hurt my feelings. You said things could be this way and now you're saying otherwise. It hurt.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011
12/31/11
Wow, has it been a year. I knew going into this year that things would change, but I don't think I fully comprehended what that actually meant. So much has happened and I'd like to share it with you.
I remember January being terrible. I was the saddest that I had ever been at that point and I was beyond lonely. I felt sad all of the time and that wasn't acceptable, seeing as I wanted to be happy this year. So, with that said, I started changing. The very last day of January, I texted Sarah because I missed her.
February, me and Sarah talked more and we both lived up to our word, as we both told each other that we didn't want to be alone for Valentines Day this year, so we spent it together. Also, in February, I went to Scholars Day for Wayne State and ended up getting $16,000 for scholarships to Wayne State. I was ecstatic! Also, Haleigh, Crystal, and I drove to Cleaveland Heights, Ohio to see Max Bemis, the lead singer of the band Say Anything. It was so great! We all sang on the way there and sang at the show, too. We got a hotel after, but it was really hot. I couldn't care too much, though, because I was out of state with my best friends, feeling free.
In March, I got the report card that decided my fate: it told me whether or not I would be Co-Valedictorian, whether or not I'd be giving a speech at graduation. I opened it; I WAS STILL NUMBER TWO! I don't think anybody knows how happy I was at that moment. I felt more accomplished than ever.
In April, I went to fifth grade camp. I was a camp counselor and became really good friends with a girl named Haley Konfrst. We hungout a lot there. We had coffee breaks, sneaking her into my cabin, and fruit snack games on the deck. It was so much fun. Also, my birthday was on the last day at camp and they sang to me. I came home and Crystal picked me up and my mom gave us money to go to Taco Bell. My parents know me too well, haha. Also, in April, I told Sarah I could no longer do this and that I needed time to myself.
In May, things started to feel surreal and I finally got the feeling that I'd soon be leaving high school. I went to prom with Jamie-Lynn who looked beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better date. She ruled. Afterwards, Jamie, Katie, and I went up-north to spend the weekend at Jamie's cabin. I remember me and Jamie shared a bed and, for some reason, that made me really happy. The next day, we ended up getting a flat tire and had to drive home on a tire that used fix-a-flat to seal the hole. Also, I guess you could say that Christy and I sort of talked again. I don't know why we always do this, honestly. Also, at the end of May, we had our last band concert, which involved people dressed in Star Wars costumes. I also received the honor of winning the John Philip Sousa award. I could've cried because I was so happy.
June came and my last day of high school occurred. It was sad. I made sure to talk to Ms. Lojewski as much as possible. She affected my life greatly and I hope she never forgets me, either. I look up to her more than I could ever say. We had the farewell assembly and all that I remember is Lojewski and Arseneau blowing me kisses as I walked down the aisle. They'll always be my favorites. Then graduation came and I had to give my speech. I was pretty nervous, but I wanted to do this so bad. I gave my speech and while I was giving it, I just remember thinking "I'm doing it! I'm living a dream of mine!" I remember being so happy and the huge applaud after meant so much to me. That applaud, in my opinion, symbolized the start of my summer.
In July, I hungout with Haleigh and Crystal as much as possible. We didn't hangout everyday like the past, but we hungout a lot, still. I started talking to Sarah, again, on the fourth, and I'm happy to say that we're still talking. I jumped off of a ladder and into Crystal's pool, except the ladder moved and I landed on the side of the pool. You can bet your bottom dollar that it hurt so bad. I distinctly remember going to Luna Pier to watch fireworks. That was an off-guard kind of happy day. I didn't think that it was going to be that great, but it was. I also saw Jack's Mannequin for the second time with Katie.
In August, Haleigh, Crystal, and I all went to the zoo for Haleigh's birthday. It was fun! I really liked the baby elephant. I also got to go back to Band Camp as the Saxophone instructor. I was really excited considering that I took the place of my middle-school band instructor! Also, in August, I got to see one of my favorite bands ever: Tigers Jaw! It was awesome. Then, I moved into my college dorm. I met my roommates and it was pretty awkward, but we've all grown a little closer. Especially me and Chandler. I also met some pretty cool people that live down the hall from me.
In September, I mainly focused on school and I came home every weekend to hangout with my friends.
In October, I got to go see Saves the Day with Haleigh and Crystal! Also, I got to see Andrew Jackson Jihad with Crystal. On Halloween, I had to go to my speech class. Growing up sucks.
In November, I got to go see The Front Bottoms in East Lansing with Crystal. I also went and seen Fitz & The Tantrums with Eric, Matt, and Jessica. On Thanksgiving, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Thanksgiving Day parade. We saw my old marching band march, and we saw my brother, who is the Drum Major this year. The day after, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Light Parade in Howell. We actually got to see floats this year!
December flaked in and finals were crushing me. I ended up getting into a deep rut and was the saddest I had ever felt in my life. I hated it. Luckily I made it through and ended up getting a 3.9 GPA. This Christmas was the best that I've ever had and I'm lucky to have been able to spend it with my best friends this year. I love Haleigh and Crystal so much. On the 27, Haleigh, Crystal, and I saw Tigers Jaw for a second time! It was even better than the first!
And that brings me to where I am right now, sitting on my bed, listening to The Wonder Years. I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I made it through this year. I'm happy to have changed as much as I did. I did things for me this year. Fifth grade camp, graduating, band camp, shows, college; it all was so worth it.
I became friends with Shelby again, I started talking to Brandy again, I stopped talking to others. I started going on bike rides and I've lost thirty pounds since June. I feel like things are starting to work out for me. For once, I feel like my resolutions are working and they are going to better me. I feel like things are, honestly, great, for once. I feel okay about myself.
So, now, I want to make a huge change in my life. I want to lose more weight. I want to speak my mind even more. I want to continue to change and be happy and do the things that make me happy. 2011 was definitely a changing year, a learning year, a transition year. It was all worth it. It definitely added to who I am as a person and everything worked out. I learned about a lot of things and I hope to remember most of them. I like remembering because it's all we really have.
This was a year of beginnings and ends. I started college. I finished my book. I started caring about myself. I stopped caring about negativity. It all worked out.
Sitting here, I'm hoping for a better year. Although my mind seems elsewhere right now, and I feel somewhat disconnected from this, future me, remember, you'll make it. Remember that if you feel that nobody loves you, I do. I really do. You'll make it through the worst of things, you always have. Believe in yourself and try to be more outgoing. You'll enjoy it so much more. You're capable. You're able. You're going to be okay.
And with that, I think I'm ready. I'm ready to face a new year. I don't want to set up many expectations. I want to be happy and that is all.
So, with 11 hours until the New Year, I'll be waiting, hanging out with Haleigh and Crystal, and making the best of my last few hours in this year, a year that I'll never be able to relive. And I can honestly say, I'm happy about that. I'm making room for more happiness. Life is great and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Bring on 2012!
I'm not sad anymore, I'm just tired of this place. If this year would just end, I think we'd all be okay.
Wow, has it been a year. I knew going into this year that things would change, but I don't think I fully comprehended what that actually meant. So much has happened and I'd like to share it with you.
I remember January being terrible. I was the saddest that I had ever been at that point and I was beyond lonely. I felt sad all of the time and that wasn't acceptable, seeing as I wanted to be happy this year. So, with that said, I started changing. The very last day of January, I texted Sarah because I missed her.
February, me and Sarah talked more and we both lived up to our word, as we both told each other that we didn't want to be alone for Valentines Day this year, so we spent it together. Also, in February, I went to Scholars Day for Wayne State and ended up getting $16,000 for scholarships to Wayne State. I was ecstatic! Also, Haleigh, Crystal, and I drove to Cleaveland Heights, Ohio to see Max Bemis, the lead singer of the band Say Anything. It was so great! We all sang on the way there and sang at the show, too. We got a hotel after, but it was really hot. I couldn't care too much, though, because I was out of state with my best friends, feeling free.
In March, I got the report card that decided my fate: it told me whether or not I would be Co-Valedictorian, whether or not I'd be giving a speech at graduation. I opened it; I WAS STILL NUMBER TWO! I don't think anybody knows how happy I was at that moment. I felt more accomplished than ever.
In April, I went to fifth grade camp. I was a camp counselor and became really good friends with a girl named Haley Konfrst. We hungout a lot there. We had coffee breaks, sneaking her into my cabin, and fruit snack games on the deck. It was so much fun. Also, my birthday was on the last day at camp and they sang to me. I came home and Crystal picked me up and my mom gave us money to go to Taco Bell. My parents know me too well, haha. Also, in April, I told Sarah I could no longer do this and that I needed time to myself.
In May, things started to feel surreal and I finally got the feeling that I'd soon be leaving high school. I went to prom with Jamie-Lynn who looked beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better date. She ruled. Afterwards, Jamie, Katie, and I went up-north to spend the weekend at Jamie's cabin. I remember me and Jamie shared a bed and, for some reason, that made me really happy. The next day, we ended up getting a flat tire and had to drive home on a tire that used fix-a-flat to seal the hole. Also, I guess you could say that Christy and I sort of talked again. I don't know why we always do this, honestly. Also, at the end of May, we had our last band concert, which involved people dressed in Star Wars costumes. I also received the honor of winning the John Philip Sousa award. I could've cried because I was so happy.
June came and my last day of high school occurred. It was sad. I made sure to talk to Ms. Lojewski as much as possible. She affected my life greatly and I hope she never forgets me, either. I look up to her more than I could ever say. We had the farewell assembly and all that I remember is Lojewski and Arseneau blowing me kisses as I walked down the aisle. They'll always be my favorites. Then graduation came and I had to give my speech. I was pretty nervous, but I wanted to do this so bad. I gave my speech and while I was giving it, I just remember thinking "I'm doing it! I'm living a dream of mine!" I remember being so happy and the huge applaud after meant so much to me. That applaud, in my opinion, symbolized the start of my summer.
In July, I hungout with Haleigh and Crystal as much as possible. We didn't hangout everyday like the past, but we hungout a lot, still. I started talking to Sarah, again, on the fourth, and I'm happy to say that we're still talking. I jumped off of a ladder and into Crystal's pool, except the ladder moved and I landed on the side of the pool. You can bet your bottom dollar that it hurt so bad. I distinctly remember going to Luna Pier to watch fireworks. That was an off-guard kind of happy day. I didn't think that it was going to be that great, but it was. I also saw Jack's Mannequin for the second time with Katie.
In August, Haleigh, Crystal, and I all went to the zoo for Haleigh's birthday. It was fun! I really liked the baby elephant. I also got to go back to Band Camp as the Saxophone instructor. I was really excited considering that I took the place of my middle-school band instructor! Also, in August, I got to see one of my favorite bands ever: Tigers Jaw! It was awesome. Then, I moved into my college dorm. I met my roommates and it was pretty awkward, but we've all grown a little closer. Especially me and Chandler. I also met some pretty cool people that live down the hall from me.
In September, I mainly focused on school and I came home every weekend to hangout with my friends.
In October, I got to go see Saves the Day with Haleigh and Crystal! Also, I got to see Andrew Jackson Jihad with Crystal. On Halloween, I had to go to my speech class. Growing up sucks.
In November, I got to go see The Front Bottoms in East Lansing with Crystal. I also went and seen Fitz & The Tantrums with Eric, Matt, and Jessica. On Thanksgiving, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Thanksgiving Day parade. We saw my old marching band march, and we saw my brother, who is the Drum Major this year. The day after, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Light Parade in Howell. We actually got to see floats this year!
December flaked in and finals were crushing me. I ended up getting into a deep rut and was the saddest I had ever felt in my life. I hated it. Luckily I made it through and ended up getting a 3.9 GPA. This Christmas was the best that I've ever had and I'm lucky to have been able to spend it with my best friends this year. I love Haleigh and Crystal so much. On the 27, Haleigh, Crystal, and I saw Tigers Jaw for a second time! It was even better than the first!
And that brings me to where I am right now, sitting on my bed, listening to The Wonder Years. I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I made it through this year. I'm happy to have changed as much as I did. I did things for me this year. Fifth grade camp, graduating, band camp, shows, college; it all was so worth it.
I became friends with Shelby again, I started talking to Brandy again, I stopped talking to others. I started going on bike rides and I've lost thirty pounds since June. I feel like things are starting to work out for me. For once, I feel like my resolutions are working and they are going to better me. I feel like things are, honestly, great, for once. I feel okay about myself.
So, now, I want to make a huge change in my life. I want to lose more weight. I want to speak my mind even more. I want to continue to change and be happy and do the things that make me happy. 2011 was definitely a changing year, a learning year, a transition year. It was all worth it. It definitely added to who I am as a person and everything worked out. I learned about a lot of things and I hope to remember most of them. I like remembering because it's all we really have.
This was a year of beginnings and ends. I started college. I finished my book. I started caring about myself. I stopped caring about negativity. It all worked out.
Sitting here, I'm hoping for a better year. Although my mind seems elsewhere right now, and I feel somewhat disconnected from this, future me, remember, you'll make it. Remember that if you feel that nobody loves you, I do. I really do. You'll make it through the worst of things, you always have. Believe in yourself and try to be more outgoing. You'll enjoy it so much more. You're capable. You're able. You're going to be okay.
And with that, I think I'm ready. I'm ready to face a new year. I don't want to set up many expectations. I want to be happy and that is all.
So, with 11 hours until the New Year, I'll be waiting, hanging out with Haleigh and Crystal, and making the best of my last few hours in this year, a year that I'll never be able to relive. And I can honestly say, I'm happy about that. I'm making room for more happiness. Life is great and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Bring on 2012!
Monday, December 12, 2011
I feel so fucking alone. I can't stop being sad and I don't know why. I'm just so fucking sad all of the time.
I told myself that I would stop being so sad and mopey and I thought that it would be easy. It isn't a choice anymore. I'm just not happy anymore.
I feel like Haleigh and Crystal hate me and I have no clue why. I honestly want to spend everyday of every weekend with them, but they seem to not want to hangout as badly as I want to.
My roommates broke a couple of my ornaments and for some reason, that really hurt my feelings. I'm not even mad that they broke them. I'm just sad. I don't even know why. It made me so fucking sad. I guess I just feel like they don't care enough about me to take care of my shit. I don't know.
I hate being so alone here. I hate not fitting in. I feel like everybody thinks that everybody else here is hilarious and a great person and I'm just viewed as boring or weird. I hate being the outcast. I hate being the odd one. I'm not odd, people just don't get me. Not that I'm extremely complex, but I don't always like to do things that others like. I don't like video games or movies or things like that. I just like to talk and get to know people and play music and sing and be happy. That's it.
I don't want Christmas to be here. Actually, I'm pretty scared. I don't want it to be terrible. I just want everything to be fixed. I have no sense of family and everything is just spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I can't fix it. I can't make things alright and that scares me.
Usually, in the past, I've been able to feel okay and make myself better, but that isn't the case anymore. I can't stop it. The sadness won't stop. I've tried, but it's hard when even those that you fucking love with everything in you fucking reject you.
I can't do this much longer. I can't keep being this unhappy because it's driving me insane. I feel miserable. It's getting too difficult. I try to talk to people, but they couldn't care less and I know I annoy them. I guess I complain too much.
I know I couldn't ever kill myself but the thought of being dead has been on my mind much too often lately.
I'm so sorry to everybody that I bother. It's just difficult because I feel things so intensely. It's just too difficult.
I'm sorry.
I just want to be happy.
I told myself that I would stop being so sad and mopey and I thought that it would be easy. It isn't a choice anymore. I'm just not happy anymore.
I feel like Haleigh and Crystal hate me and I have no clue why. I honestly want to spend everyday of every weekend with them, but they seem to not want to hangout as badly as I want to.
My roommates broke a couple of my ornaments and for some reason, that really hurt my feelings. I'm not even mad that they broke them. I'm just sad. I don't even know why. It made me so fucking sad. I guess I just feel like they don't care enough about me to take care of my shit. I don't know.
I hate being so alone here. I hate not fitting in. I feel like everybody thinks that everybody else here is hilarious and a great person and I'm just viewed as boring or weird. I hate being the outcast. I hate being the odd one. I'm not odd, people just don't get me. Not that I'm extremely complex, but I don't always like to do things that others like. I don't like video games or movies or things like that. I just like to talk and get to know people and play music and sing and be happy. That's it.
I don't want Christmas to be here. Actually, I'm pretty scared. I don't want it to be terrible. I just want everything to be fixed. I have no sense of family and everything is just spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I can't fix it. I can't make things alright and that scares me.
Usually, in the past, I've been able to feel okay and make myself better, but that isn't the case anymore. I can't stop it. The sadness won't stop. I've tried, but it's hard when even those that you fucking love with everything in you fucking reject you.
I can't do this much longer. I can't keep being this unhappy because it's driving me insane. I feel miserable. It's getting too difficult. I try to talk to people, but they couldn't care less and I know I annoy them. I guess I complain too much.
I know I couldn't ever kill myself but the thought of being dead has been on my mind much too often lately.
I'm so sorry to everybody that I bother. It's just difficult because I feel things so intensely. It's just too difficult.
I'm sorry.
I just want to be happy.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
I'm just tired.
I'm tired of everyone being so pissed, mad, upset with each other. I'm tired of people being mad at me for being me. I'm tired of everyone else choosing the date, time, place, mood.
I'm changing and I'm no longer saying sorry.
I'm starting to grow into myself.
I'm changing and I'm no longer saying sorry.
I'm starting to grow into myself.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I have to keep reminding myself
If I want to be different, I have to do different things. If I want to benremembered, I have to do memorable things.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
The day is here.
Today, I graduate.
I feel like this is a very important time in my life, as I won't ever see half of these people ever again. This feeling is very weird to me, but it's also refreshing in a way. I get to meet new people, people who have no idea who I am, and I'm so thankful for that. I get to start being exactly who I want to be and I'm completely ready for this opportunity.
Before Senior year started, I wrote a blog about how I was ready for the year. Well, I made it through, so I guess I was prepared enough. Some of the things that happened were insane. I've gone against myself, I've learned about myself, and I've lost myself. I'm currently trying to find who I am, still, but I'm still able to be happy.
This year was one of the best I've had. Marching band was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better show than Fureza. I met Sarah. Although things didn't work out with her, and she probably hates my guts, I care a lot about her, and I wish her the best of luck in the future. Ms. Lojewski impacted me a lot this year. I've always wanted to click with one teacher and she became the one. Every second hour, during dual-enrollment, me and Katie would sit in her classroom with her and we'd just talk. Sometimes, we'd go buy Ms. Lojewski breakfast, and we were somewhat of a Breakfast Club, as Lojo called it. She taught me so many lessons, joked around with us, and most of all, cared about me. She cared about my well-being, my school-work, and me as a person. I really appreciate all she has done for me, and I'll miss her immensely.
I actually didn't really lose any friends this year, which I'm happy about. I made new ones, like Haley, who I went to fifth grade camp with, which was so much fun! Me and her sat by each other at every meal, all of the kids said we were "making googley eyes" at each other, and we spent all of our time together. We jammed, we did the activities, had coffee breaks, and threw fruit snacks in the air while trying to catch them in our mouths, only to cover the whole porch in fruit snacks. We were the best dancers at the hoe-down, too! She definitely made the experience more fun and a lot more enjoyable.
Prom was a lot of fun. I went with Jamie-Lynn and I couldn't have asked for a better date! She's really pretty and we had a lot of fun together! After, we went up to Jamie's cabin in Canadian Lakes, and while there, we got a flat tire, and we had to drive home on a almost-flat tire because we didn't have a certain wrench to get one of the tire bolts off. The talk me and Jamie had on the last night is one that I'll never forget.
I learned a lot this school year. I learned that I'm not friends with a lot of people. I learned that I'm not out there as much as I thought and not many people know me. I learned that I need to stand up for myself and make my own decisions. I've learned how to start getting over the anxiety that I have and to get on with my life. I learned how to start being happy, even if things are pretty shitty.
I learned how to be myself.
"Charlie, I just wanted to say congratulations. Congratulations because, in a class that is completely dominated by females, you were the one guy to step up and make something of himself." Katie Stevenson made my day when she said this. Thank you, Katie, even though you'll never read this.
Now, with all of this said, I graduate today. I graduate second in my class with a 4.0377 GPA and I get to give a speech, which I'm actually nervous for, but I'm happy I get to. I hope I do well.
I'm finally done. It's sad, but it's time, and I'm fine with that. There's always a point where you have to move on, and I've reached that point. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm okay with it, and I'm just going to take the memories I have, keep them for what they are, and make more. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be successful. I'm going to be great, I just know it.
So, after graduation, it starts. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to hangout with my friends, I'm going to go to college, hopefully meet someone who I fall absolutely in love with, and I hope to make it so far in life. I have such high hopes for the future. I want to become a musician and a writer and I have so much left to accomplish in my life.
Here's to a new chapter in life!
I feel like this is a very important time in my life, as I won't ever see half of these people ever again. This feeling is very weird to me, but it's also refreshing in a way. I get to meet new people, people who have no idea who I am, and I'm so thankful for that. I get to start being exactly who I want to be and I'm completely ready for this opportunity.
Before Senior year started, I wrote a blog about how I was ready for the year. Well, I made it through, so I guess I was prepared enough. Some of the things that happened were insane. I've gone against myself, I've learned about myself, and I've lost myself. I'm currently trying to find who I am, still, but I'm still able to be happy.
This year was one of the best I've had. Marching band was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better show than Fureza. I met Sarah. Although things didn't work out with her, and she probably hates my guts, I care a lot about her, and I wish her the best of luck in the future. Ms. Lojewski impacted me a lot this year. I've always wanted to click with one teacher and she became the one. Every second hour, during dual-enrollment, me and Katie would sit in her classroom with her and we'd just talk. Sometimes, we'd go buy Ms. Lojewski breakfast, and we were somewhat of a Breakfast Club, as Lojo called it. She taught me so many lessons, joked around with us, and most of all, cared about me. She cared about my well-being, my school-work, and me as a person. I really appreciate all she has done for me, and I'll miss her immensely.
I actually didn't really lose any friends this year, which I'm happy about. I made new ones, like Haley, who I went to fifth grade camp with, which was so much fun! Me and her sat by each other at every meal, all of the kids said we were "making googley eyes" at each other, and we spent all of our time together. We jammed, we did the activities, had coffee breaks, and threw fruit snacks in the air while trying to catch them in our mouths, only to cover the whole porch in fruit snacks. We were the best dancers at the hoe-down, too! She definitely made the experience more fun and a lot more enjoyable.
Prom was a lot of fun. I went with Jamie-Lynn and I couldn't have asked for a better date! She's really pretty and we had a lot of fun together! After, we went up to Jamie's cabin in Canadian Lakes, and while there, we got a flat tire, and we had to drive home on a almost-flat tire because we didn't have a certain wrench to get one of the tire bolts off. The talk me and Jamie had on the last night is one that I'll never forget.
I learned a lot this school year. I learned that I'm not friends with a lot of people. I learned that I'm not out there as much as I thought and not many people know me. I learned that I need to stand up for myself and make my own decisions. I've learned how to start getting over the anxiety that I have and to get on with my life. I learned how to start being happy, even if things are pretty shitty.
I learned how to be myself.
"Charlie, I just wanted to say congratulations. Congratulations because, in a class that is completely dominated by females, you were the one guy to step up and make something of himself." Katie Stevenson made my day when she said this. Thank you, Katie, even though you'll never read this.
Now, with all of this said, I graduate today. I graduate second in my class with a 4.0377 GPA and I get to give a speech, which I'm actually nervous for, but I'm happy I get to. I hope I do well.
I'm finally done. It's sad, but it's time, and I'm fine with that. There's always a point where you have to move on, and I've reached that point. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm okay with it, and I'm just going to take the memories I have, keep them for what they are, and make more. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be successful. I'm going to be great, I just know it.
So, after graduation, it starts. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to hangout with my friends, I'm going to go to college, hopefully meet someone who I fall absolutely in love with, and I hope to make it so far in life. I have such high hopes for the future. I want to become a musician and a writer and I have so much left to accomplish in my life.
Here's to a new chapter in life!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Similarities
Talk shit to me.
Walk all over me.
Take me for granted.
Get the same shit as me.
Nobody really likes.
Yup.
Walk all over me.
Take me for granted.
Get the same shit as me.
Nobody really likes.
Yup.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Why do people try and stop my happiness?
Why can't I do what I want without you trying to stop me? I have pretty strong morals, but they're what I think, not you. If I wanna have sex, I'm going to have sex. Just know that I'm not going to go around fucking every girl I see; I'm still a virgin, but one day, I'll lose it to someone who I love, which will be MY choice, not yours.
I'm allowed to like, flirt, kiss, and hold hands with anyone I chose. Stop worrying so much. I'm not going to fuck up my life. Yeah, I may get fucked over, but in all honesty, I've been fucked over so many times, so why does it matter?
You don't care about me or my well-being; you just don't have many other people and you don't want me to abandon you. Yeah, I'm anti-social, but you know damn well that I'm charismatic and I'm full of charm when I choose to be.
Don't keep restricting me; restriction forces me to free myself.
I'm allowed to like, flirt, kiss, and hold hands with anyone I chose. Stop worrying so much. I'm not going to fuck up my life. Yeah, I may get fucked over, but in all honesty, I've been fucked over so many times, so why does it matter?
You don't care about me or my well-being; you just don't have many other people and you don't want me to abandon you. Yeah, I'm anti-social, but you know damn well that I'm charismatic and I'm full of charm when I choose to be.
Don't keep restricting me; restriction forces me to free myself.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
I can't do it anymore.
Anything.
Everything is such a big deal for my family. I would like to get a book for AP Calc to study for the AP Exam on Wednesday, but it's such a big deal and nobody will take me to get one.
"Ask Crystal to take you."
"No," I said, very sternly.
I'm just tired of my "family" not being able to do things for me. Why should my friends have to pick up the slack that my family leaves? I'm just so sad. So fucking sad.
And nobody seems to care. I just want one person, one person who cares for me no matter what. Somebody that I know will never be disappointed in me, even if I fuck up, because they see that everybody makes mistakes. I think that I'm that caring, and I do that for others, why can't they do it for me?
I'm just sad. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm crazy.
Yes, I do like somebody. No, I won't tell them. It'll get ruined, feelings won't be reciprocated, and I'm just not doing that anymore. I just need help.
Everything is such a big deal for my family. I would like to get a book for AP Calc to study for the AP Exam on Wednesday, but it's such a big deal and nobody will take me to get one.
"Ask Crystal to take you."
"No," I said, very sternly.
I'm just tired of my "family" not being able to do things for me. Why should my friends have to pick up the slack that my family leaves? I'm just so sad. So fucking sad.
And nobody seems to care. I just want one person, one person who cares for me no matter what. Somebody that I know will never be disappointed in me, even if I fuck up, because they see that everybody makes mistakes. I think that I'm that caring, and I do that for others, why can't they do it for me?
I'm just sad. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm crazy.
Yes, I do like somebody. No, I won't tell them. It'll get ruined, feelings won't be reciprocated, and I'm just not doing that anymore. I just need help.
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