If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not as quiet as you might think. When I'm comfortable around you, I'll never shut up. You'd also know that I hate how shy I am. I long for the time when I'm comfortable around people and can say what I really want to say, instead of holding back in fear that I'll look or feel stupid.

If you really knew me, you'd know I'm not always happy. I try my best to look on the bright side of things, but the bright side is rarely present in the situations that I'm put in. You'd know that I have the worst luck and things never go the way I plan.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm extremely self-conscious about my weight. I know I can do something about it, but I always feel discouraged. I wear a hoodie everyday just to try to tolerate what I look like. You'd know that despite my weight, I'm not lazy. Yeah, we all have our lazy days, but when I want something, I don't just sit around, I get to it. I work for the things I want and don't like them to be just given to me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't like committing myself to girls because of past situations I've been in. You'd know that I fall for girls really hard and I almost always end up on the bad side of things. I don't ever want to get too close in fear that they'll leave. You'd know that I'm afraid to say how I feel in fear that the other person won't feel the same or that I'll appear weak, so I bottle it all up, resulting in an excessive amount of emotion built up.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want that one best friend that I can say anything and everything to. I do have best friends, but I don't feel like they always listen or that they always care. I want someone who will be there no matter what.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want to be perfect. As impossible as it is, that is my goal and any flaw I have, I beat myself up about it. I push myself too far and always end up burning myself out. Whether it be in school, marching band, or just life in general, every once in a while, I hit a wall and feel like I cannot take it anymore.

If you really knew me, you'd know that if I'm not co-valedictorian, I'll feel like a failure. I'm working so hard because I need to be at the top. I want to be recognized for my achievements because I feel like if I'm not, that nobody cares or that nobody even appreciates the hard work that I'm putting in.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate the little things. Small side comments, hidden compliments, and intelligent words; I remember them and appreciate them so much.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have way too high of standards, for everything. I like girls way out of my league, I want to be smarter than I can probably be, and I want to be nothing but the best.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm TERRIFIED for college. I don't know what to do. I want to be a musician, director, writer, photographer, and a graphic designer, but I feel like it's so impossible. I feel like I won't make it in any of the fields, so I may just go to be an accountant, because I'm pretty sure I'd be good at that. Although the "safe way" has never been my route, I may need to take it in college, unless someone will give me some guidance.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate you for reading this.