If you were a "friend"

You would respect me.
You would help me out once in a while.
You would help me in my pursuit of happiness, as I help you.
You would actually care for me.
You would ask me 'whats wrong?' and actually try to help me, and not just want to know why.
You would help me with work, instead of making me do it all and you get all the credit.
You would actually show me that I'm your best friend instead of just saying it.
You would say nice things about me when I'm not there, instead of bashing me for my decisions.

You would be there for me.

My feelings are tearing me apart.

There are so many things tearing me apart right now.

I hate when people get a big head, or want all the credit, or are a bitch for no reason. I don't understand it. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you like people? Yeah, I don't like many people, or show affection or whatever, but I care for them. That might not make sense to anyone else, but I care for everyone, I just don't like them for the choices they make. But why do you blow up on them? Then you wonder why people don't like you. Isn't it obvious?
I hate when people only want the benefit of things. I do help, and I let you take the credit for everything. It pisses me off beyond belief, and I wish you'd stop taking advantage of me since I'm supposed to be your "friend."
I hate the fact that I may move down in my class. I will feel like a complete failure. I just wish I could hold my spot, but I'm not sure how promising that is. I guess I'll just have to accept it if it happens.
I hate that I can't make anybody happy. I just feel like nobody cares anymore. I can't do anything right and I just upset everyone.
I wish I could commit to one person, but my feelings are always changing. I like girls who give me the slightest bit of attention, and it's pathetic. I get these random spurts of feelings for people, but I'm always scared that they'll go away so I never try, I never try to restore what once was.
I had a dream about you today and I miss you so much. It was so nice, in that dream, where we talked again. I woke up with a sensation of happiness, just at the thought of talking to you. I miss you terribly. I'm so sorry.


Where is my head anymore? Why can't I just stop being so sad. It's so annoying, but I can't help it. I'll fix it, I hope. I hope that this will all get better soon. I'm sorry for wasting this space on the internet since I know that nobody is going to read this, and the slight chance that somebody does, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I really am.

Sometimes

I say I'm alright, but inside I'm filled with rage. I compose myself and try and act like its fine, because i know, in the future, it will be, but this rage gets to me sometimes. I just need someone to talk to. I want someone to sit with me and talk with me about everything forever.
I just want a friend.

Band Camp

I got back from Band Camp today after spending six days there. So much happened and I had so much fun. I loved every second of it.

Sunday, the first day, everything was pretty quiet. At the opening camp fire, I started to take everything in because I really wanted to remember as much as I could, as this was my last year. The seniors stayed after the camp fire and we got into a 13-member group hug and swayed back and forth. A few people talked and said whatever was on their mind and we all started sobbing. I've never felt so close to a group of people before. I believe that that group hug brought us closer throughout the week.

Monday and Tuesday were brutal, hot, and humid. But we managed to buckle down and continue to learn show, despite being rained out at one of the rehearsals. Also, Tuesday night, we had the freshmen boys and girls midnight march. Although they may not have liked it, I enjoyed it and thought it was hilarious.

By Wednesday, we were all exhausted, but we continued to push ourselves and work hard. Then came the dance, and we had to pick dates. I picked a freshmen girl from my section. And I actually danced around this year. I had fun and loved it. Then, right after the last song, I saw Micah, and we hugged. We hugged for what seemed like forever and we started crying and soon after, all of the seniors were crying, too. It was really sad and I didn't want to leave. I think thats when it first started hitting me that I'll never come back to learn another show again.

After finishing drill on Wednesday, we still had two long days to clean.

Friday was the most anticipated and dreaded day for me. A lot of unsung heroes were given and the ones that touched me the most were from Katie, Mykayla, and Ryan. I couldn't hold it in and cried silently. I never thought so many people cared that I was actually there, learning the show with them.

So, going into camp I had three goals: Get Best Marcher, Best Section and most of all, have fun.

At the closing campfire, after playing the games, and initiating Joey, it was award time. Most Spirited, Best Boy Camper, Best Girl Camper, Most Improved, Best Freshman, Best Sophomore, Best Junior, and Best Senior were given. Then it was time for Best Marcher. I bent over in anxiety and, at the same time, felt like I did and didn't want to know who the award would go to. When Cassell said "...And now the Best Marcher award..." and people from many different directions started saying "Charlie... Charlie... Charlie" I felt this feeling rush over me. And then my name was called. "Charlie Giraud." I had never felt so accomplished in my life. I was in total disbelief and was so far beyond happy that I didn't know what to say. I could feel the tears coming but I held them back because I wanted to remember the moment as happy and not crying.

And the final award was announced. Best Section was given to the saxophones, my section, which I am Section Leader of. It was all unbelievable to me.

I don't think people know how much these awards mean to me. I put everything into it and am so glad that I got the outcome that I wanted. I'm so proud of my section and hope they're proud as well. They deserve it so much and I'm glad all of their hard work payed off.

And after the final campfire, the seniors stayed after again. We got in a group hug, but we didn't cry this time. We all were talking, laughing, and making jokes. It was then that I felt like I had a great bond with the seniors. I love every single one of them, no matter what, and I'm so glad that I spent this last week with them. All of the fun, all of the memories, I will cherish them because it was the best week of my life.

Everything that happened this week was just perfect. I loved it. I'm so sad that I won't be going back next year, but I'm glad I went out with such a great year and great people. I'm glad I met new freshmen, and got closer to some sophomores and juniors.

I just want to say thank you for such a great week. I will never forget it.

Night Owls forever!

Since You've Been Gone

Since you've been gone, I've changed, a lot.

Since you've been gone, I've become more sure of myself. I'm now confident in things that I do. I now try harder at everything rather than relying on talent or on skill. I am able to formulate my own opinions about issues and argue them. I try not to be nicer to people and help them. I'm not as embarrassing, haha, or at least I don't think so. I've lost a few of the friends I thought would remain throughout high school. Life, even.

Since you've been gone, I've come out of my shell a little bit. I'm more outgoing. I laugh louder and more often. I think things through even more.

If you could see me now, you'd see that I'm still shy, but am trying to change it. You'd see that I'm still the same awkward boy as before. You'd see that I still like a lot of the same music, although I listen to a lot of different stuff as well. You'd see that I wouldn't be afraid to tell you how I feel

Since you've been gone, I've missed you.