My feelings are tearing me apart.

There are so many things tearing me apart right now.

I hate when people get a big head, or want all the credit, or are a bitch for no reason. I don't understand it. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you like people? Yeah, I don't like many people, or show affection or whatever, but I care for them. That might not make sense to anyone else, but I care for everyone, I just don't like them for the choices they make. But why do you blow up on them? Then you wonder why people don't like you. Isn't it obvious?
I hate when people only want the benefit of things. I do help, and I let you take the credit for everything. It pisses me off beyond belief, and I wish you'd stop taking advantage of me since I'm supposed to be your "friend."
I hate the fact that I may move down in my class. I will feel like a complete failure. I just wish I could hold my spot, but I'm not sure how promising that is. I guess I'll just have to accept it if it happens.
I hate that I can't make anybody happy. I just feel like nobody cares anymore. I can't do anything right and I just upset everyone.
I wish I could commit to one person, but my feelings are always changing. I like girls who give me the slightest bit of attention, and it's pathetic. I get these random spurts of feelings for people, but I'm always scared that they'll go away so I never try, I never try to restore what once was.
I had a dream about you today and I miss you so much. It was so nice, in that dream, where we talked again. I woke up with a sensation of happiness, just at the thought of talking to you. I miss you terribly. I'm so sorry.


Where is my head anymore? Why can't I just stop being so sad. It's so annoying, but I can't help it. I'll fix it, I hope. I hope that this will all get better soon. I'm sorry for wasting this space on the internet since I know that nobody is going to read this, and the slight chance that somebody does, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I really am.

I've realized something.

Not suddenly, I've just been trying to formulate it into words, I guess. And gain the confidence to actually admit it.
I cannot care for another human the way that they want me to. I'm not sure why. Maybe something happened in my past that triggered it? Maybe it's a collection of events? Maybe it's the reason I think? Maybe it just isn't for me.
I like dating, for the first few weeks, anyways. I like the excitement, the new-ness of it. But after a while, I feel like it's a burden. It's not that I don't like the person back, but I fear that I can't give enough. I start to feel smothered and I start to want to pull away. I need my space. I need my freedom and the ability to do what I want without having to tell someone what I'm doing, or to text somebody constantly. I just feel like my personal space is being taken from me, and I hate the feeling of that. I like to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want, but I also like people, so I'm torn. I like the affection, I like getting to know people better and talking with them. I do get feelings for people, and they're usually strong, but these reasons make me pull away.
I just feel like I can't reciprocate the feelings correctly and I feel like it's a lie. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, so, even though I'm going against what I actually want, I end it, so that I don't lead them on or make it one-sided, where they're putting in all the effort.


I'm a really weird kid, I know. I'm trying to get better, I swear.

My Life, As of Now, In Less Than 100 Words...

Marching band just started. I'm Section Leader. The music is challenging, but I'm pushing my section to memorize and learn the music now! I hangout with Haleigh and Crystal almost every night. I've hungout with Katie a couple times and it reminds me of last summer, which I love. Fourth of July was fun. We had about 500 bottle rockets and various others. I got my saxophone fixed today. Things are crazy, but I enjoy it. But best of all, life is good.

P.S. Nicole is cool.