This Year is Mine

This year, I'm not going to falter, I'm not going to quit. I'm going to continue pushing ahead and working at my grades. My goals are set and I'm not stopping until I achieve them.

I Have Alot Running Through My Mind

But, what I really want to say is:

I miss you. I want to be your friend again. I've been sorry from day one, I never wanted to hurt you. . I want to talk. I want to hangout. I miss you more than you know. Text me, it'd be nice to hear from you.

If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not as quiet as you might think. When I'm comfortable around you, I'll never shut up. You'd also know that I hate how shy I am. I long for the time when I'm comfortable around people and can say what I really want to say, instead of holding back in fear that I'll look or feel stupid.

If you really knew me, you'd know I'm not always happy. I try my best to look on the bright side of things, but the bright side is rarely present in the situations that I'm put in. You'd know that I have the worst luck and things never go the way I plan.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm extremely self-conscious about my weight. I know I can do something about it, but I always feel discouraged. I wear a hoodie everyday just to try to tolerate what I look like. You'd know that despite my weight, I'm not lazy. Yeah, we all have our lazy days, but when I want something, I don't just sit around, I get to it. I work for the things I want and don't like them to be just given to me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't like committing myself to girls because of past situations I've been in. You'd know that I fall for girls really hard and I almost always end up on the bad side of things. I don't ever want to get too close in fear that they'll leave. You'd know that I'm afraid to say how I feel in fear that the other person won't feel the same or that I'll appear weak, so I bottle it all up, resulting in an excessive amount of emotion built up.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want that one best friend that I can say anything and everything to. I do have best friends, but I don't feel like they always listen or that they always care. I want someone who will be there no matter what.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want to be perfect. As impossible as it is, that is my goal and any flaw I have, I beat myself up about it. I push myself too far and always end up burning myself out. Whether it be in school, marching band, or just life in general, every once in a while, I hit a wall and feel like I cannot take it anymore.

If you really knew me, you'd know that if I'm not co-valedictorian, I'll feel like a failure. I'm working so hard because I need to be at the top. I want to be recognized for my achievements because I feel like if I'm not, that nobody cares or that nobody even appreciates the hard work that I'm putting in.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate the little things. Small side comments, hidden compliments, and intelligent words; I remember them and appreciate them so much.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have way too high of standards, for everything. I like girls way out of my league, I want to be smarter than I can probably be, and I want to be nothing but the best.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm TERRIFIED for college. I don't know what to do. I want to be a musician, director, writer, photographer, and a graphic designer, but I feel like it's so impossible. I feel like I won't make it in any of the fields, so I may just go to be an accountant, because I'm pretty sure I'd be good at that. Although the "safe way" has never been my route, I may need to take it in college, unless someone will give me some guidance.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate you for reading this.

I'm Happy

Everything is going good. I'm in a good mood. I want to look into some situations and start talking to more people. I'm really happy right now and hope that this mood with stay.

Band Camp

I got back from Band Camp today after spending six days there. So much happened and I had so much fun. I loved every second of it.

Sunday, the first day, everything was pretty quiet. At the opening camp fire, I started to take everything in because I really wanted to remember as much as I could, as this was my last year. The seniors stayed after the camp fire and we got into a 13-member group hug and swayed back and forth. A few people talked and said whatever was on their mind and we all started sobbing. I've never felt so close to a group of people before. I believe that that group hug brought us closer throughout the week.

Monday and Tuesday were brutal, hot, and humid. But we managed to buckle down and continue to learn show, despite being rained out at one of the rehearsals. Also, Tuesday night, we had the freshmen boys and girls midnight march. Although they may not have liked it, I enjoyed it and thought it was hilarious.

By Wednesday, we were all exhausted, but we continued to push ourselves and work hard. Then came the dance, and we had to pick dates. I picked a freshmen girl from my section. And I actually danced around this year. I had fun and loved it. Then, right after the last song, I saw Micah, and we hugged. We hugged for what seemed like forever and we started crying and soon after, all of the seniors were crying, too. It was really sad and I didn't want to leave. I think thats when it first started hitting me that I'll never come back to learn another show again.

After finishing drill on Wednesday, we still had two long days to clean.

Friday was the most anticipated and dreaded day for me. A lot of unsung heroes were given and the ones that touched me the most were from Katie, Mykayla, and Ryan. I couldn't hold it in and cried silently. I never thought so many people cared that I was actually there, learning the show with them.

So, going into camp I had three goals: Get Best Marcher, Best Section and most of all, have fun.

At the closing campfire, after playing the games, and initiating Joey, it was award time. Most Spirited, Best Boy Camper, Best Girl Camper, Most Improved, Best Freshman, Best Sophomore, Best Junior, and Best Senior were given. Then it was time for Best Marcher. I bent over in anxiety and, at the same time, felt like I did and didn't want to know who the award would go to. When Cassell said "...And now the Best Marcher award..." and people from many different directions started saying "Charlie... Charlie... Charlie" I felt this feeling rush over me. And then my name was called. "Charlie Giraud." I had never felt so accomplished in my life. I was in total disbelief and was so far beyond happy that I didn't know what to say. I could feel the tears coming but I held them back because I wanted to remember the moment as happy and not crying.

And the final award was announced. Best Section was given to the saxophones, my section, which I am Section Leader of. It was all unbelievable to me.

I don't think people know how much these awards mean to me. I put everything into it and am so glad that I got the outcome that I wanted. I'm so proud of my section and hope they're proud as well. They deserve it so much and I'm glad all of their hard work payed off.

And after the final campfire, the seniors stayed after again. We got in a group hug, but we didn't cry this time. We all were talking, laughing, and making jokes. It was then that I felt like I had a great bond with the seniors. I love every single one of them, no matter what, and I'm so glad that I spent this last week with them. All of the fun, all of the memories, I will cherish them because it was the best week of my life.

Everything that happened this week was just perfect. I loved it. I'm so sad that I won't be going back next year, but I'm glad I went out with such a great year and great people. I'm glad I met new freshmen, and got closer to some sophomores and juniors.

I just want to say thank you for such a great week. I will never forget it.

Night Owls forever!

Never Sure

I always think peoples' statuses are about me, but I'm never sure and I don't want to ask.

If yours was about me, I miss you too.

Senior Year

With Band Camp being only two days away now, it is starting to hit me that this is my last year. This will be the last time I go, the last show I learn, the last time to have this experience and I'm very sad about it.

It seems like just yesterday it was my first day of band. I remember how scared I was, how nervous I was. But for some reason, a reason which I really still have no clue of, people seemed to like me. Maybe they didn't like me, maybe they just tolerated me, I'm not sure. But when I first got to camp, I saw how things were really going to happen. I saw an instant change in people, and the Freshman started to get messed with. But, again, for unknown reasons, I was exempt from having to do the freeze drill. After leaving, I felt a sense of enjoyment and couldn't wait to go back.

Sophomore year was more of the same, just with more friends, more jokes, and more fun.

Junior year was, by far, the best of the three. The show was great, I liked the Seniors, and I had opened up a lot that summer. At camp, I really tried my hardest and set my eyes on the Best Junior award. When the announcing of awards came and my name was called for Best Junior, I was filled with a sense of joy and accomplishment.

Now, about to go to my Senior year, my last year, of Band Camp, I've set my goals. As section leader, my goal is to get Best Section, and as of right now, we are definitely in the running, something that hasn't happened since I've been here. I feel like I do play a very big part in this since I am helping my section and pushing them as much as I can, but I cannot take all the credit. The people in my section are great and they are working so hard, and I'm very proud. Another goal is to get Best Marcher, the highest award you can get at Band Camp. Last year, I found out that I was actually in the running for Best Marcher (yes, as a Junior!), but instead of me, a very deserving Senior won it. So, hopefully, I can continue to improve, and continue to push myself, as well as everyone else, and can win this award. If my section were to get Best Section and I were to win Best Marcher, I don't think I'd be able to express my happiness.

That's just the Marching Band aspect of it. In about a month, I will return to school for another 9-month-long torture. It does not feel like I've been at Truman for four years. I've come a long way since Freshman year and I'm so proud of myself.

Freshman year was tough. Having to learn how to juggle Marching Band, academics, friends and time for myself was not an easy task. But I learned. I had as many honors classes as possible and was able to keep a decent GPA.

Sophomore year was even harder. More honors classes, Marching Band, joining Drama, joining NHS, juggling more friends, more tasks, and still trying to have alone time was harder.

The summer before Junior year I changed a lot. I had opened up and I've allowed myself to do things I wouldn't have before. Yes, I'm still shy and still awkward, but I'm finally proud of myself and happy with myself. So, that summer, I promised myself that I must, no matter what, worry about school and push myself harder than I ever had. I now had two AP classes, Marching Band, Drama, NHS, Symphonic Band, Jazz Band, Band Council, friends and alone time.

Throughout Junior year, things had changed as well. I had lost a lot of friends, pulled away from some of the closest and still had to try and focus. At times, I wanted to quit. I wanted to say "who cares about school? Why can't I just do what makes me happy?" But, I continued to work at it. I started the school year off with a class rank of 18. With the help of three grade-point-averages over 4.0, I am currently number 2 in my class. Also, I got a 27 on my ACT. I am the Vice-President in NHS, section leader in both Marching Band and Symphonic Band, and Secretary of Band Council. I have achieved so much these last three years and I couldn't be happier.

So, really, the point of this is to say that I want to continue to work. I want to continue to push myself, as well as others, and also, be pushed too. I want to work for more awards, more achievements, but even more so, I want to work to achieve the goals I set. I want to work and, one day, be able to make films, make music, and write novels.

As weird as it is to me, I'm ready for my Senior year, and I'm ready for Band Camp. I hope to have fun with the Seniors and really make this last year of ours enjoyable and memorable, as well.

So, here's to coming out of my shell even more and having the best Senior year possible.

Happy August

Today is the first day of August and I'm happy. I want to start out fresh.

I've been doing p90x and I've been feeling better. I'm glad I can finally commit to exercising. Although I may have to force myself to do it, I know I'll be much happier with the end result.

I've been thinking a lot about the compliments I've been given in the past. Yes, I remember most of them. No matter how small or irrelevant, I remember them because they always make me feel good. I appreciate them a lot. One I got recently has helped me a lot. Just by someone, who I rarely talk to, saying "you're a good section leader" assured me that I am doing something right and has made me more confident in my position. But one of the best compliments I've gotten was from my friend Brittany when I "liked" her Facebook status and she told me something she liked and disliked about me, her first impression of me, and a confession. The "like" category said this:

You're one of the funniest people I know. And you're the only person I can be awkward with, without it being awkward (And I like the fact that you'll be the only person who understands that). No matter how confusing I am, you understand me inside and out, and you share my increased appeal for depressing acoustic music when the leaves change colors and become crisp. I like your laugh, because it's sincere and awkward. I like the fact that I could sit with you literally forever, and not get sick of it. I like our in-depth conversations, and all of the good times we've had. Your appreciation for the finer things in life is amazing (and by finer things, I mean the meaningless things that everyone overlooks day by day). I like the fact that your eyes are different sizes, because I don't like when things are symmetrical/typical. I like that we hung out even before we were best friends, and you dumped a giant bucket of popcorn on me, staining my favorite hoodie forever. I like when I'll say something weird, and we'll look at each other REALLY awkwardly, then burst out laughing. I like that you snuck me in your room in Florida every night until 2 am, and that we hung out every day. I like when we discuss out dislikes about people. I like when I straddle you in Katie's basement ;) hahaha. I like that I can trust you, and that you can be both crazy&outgoing and chill. I like a lot more, but I can't really think of everything right now. Oh. I like that you're one of my best friends ever, and that you're the sassiest person I've ever met.

This paragraph has made me feel better than anything in a long time. I appreciated it so much. Thanks Brittany!

Today, I watched Religulous. This documentary pretty much mocks religion and religious beliefs. It really sealed my non-belief in God and in religion. I just can't put faith and hope into something that seems so much like a fairy-tale, into something that nobody is even positive about. "But that's what faith is," some may argue. I understand that and I don't have any. I'll waste my time doing something more productive than worshiping something that may not (probably isn't) even real. I don't care, hate me for not believing in God, and hate me for saying he probably isn't real, but if you can PROVE to me that he is real, that there is evidence of him, I'll believe him in an instant.

But for right now, I'll stand strong in my beliefs. If you do argue religion around me, don't expect me to keep quiet because I'm done with that. I'm entitled to my opinion, as you are yours.

I'll probably write a blog entirely for religion soon. I've wanted to for a while.

So, I hope you have a happy first day of August. Mine has been great.

This is the first day of my life.
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
and I'd probably be happy.

One More Thing!

The guy who took these pictures makes me want to do the same thing.