Perfection

Most people want to be perfect. We all strive to be better at something and want to continue improving. I, being a perfectionist, want to be the best at everything, even though I know that it is completely impossible. And today I realized something: I’m SO happy that I’m not, and don’t appear, perfect.

You know those people who just seem to be good at EVERYTHING they do, who just seem to be popular, or who just seem to be everywhere all the time? I’m glad that I’m not one of those people. I like being different. If that means I’m weird, or whatever other adjective anyone can think of, I’m fine with that. I like making mistakes (and learning from them). I like doing bad on tests, failing once in a while, just to keep me in check that I’m not perfect. I like showing my emotions when they’re happening. If I’m sad, I’m not going to try and be the happiest person ever. I’ll try and cheer myself up, but I won’t act like everything is okay. I’ll let my anger show if I’m pissed and I’ll radiate with joy if I’m happy. I don’t want everything to seem “perfect” all of the time because I like feeling like a real human, I like having real emotions and real problems. I feel like it makes up my personality.

Hopefully you understand what was just written because I gave it my best shot at sorting out my feelings about this.

Happy August

Today is the first day of August and I'm happy. I want to start out fresh.

I've been doing p90x and I've been feeling better. I'm glad I can finally commit to exercising. Although I may have to force myself to do it, I know I'll be much happier with the end result.

I've been thinking a lot about the compliments I've been given in the past. Yes, I remember most of them. No matter how small or irrelevant, I remember them because they always make me feel good. I appreciate them a lot. One I got recently has helped me a lot. Just by someone, who I rarely talk to, saying "you're a good section leader" assured me that I am doing something right and has made me more confident in my position. But one of the best compliments I've gotten was from my friend Brittany when I "liked" her Facebook status and she told me something she liked and disliked about me, her first impression of me, and a confession. The "like" category said this:

You're one of the funniest people I know. And you're the only person I can be awkward with, without it being awkward (And I like the fact that you'll be the only person who understands that). No matter how confusing I am, you understand me inside and out, and you share my increased appeal for depressing acoustic music when the leaves change colors and become crisp. I like your laugh, because it's sincere and awkward. I like the fact that I could sit with you literally forever, and not get sick of it. I like our in-depth conversations, and all of the good times we've had. Your appreciation for the finer things in life is amazing (and by finer things, I mean the meaningless things that everyone overlooks day by day). I like the fact that your eyes are different sizes, because I don't like when things are symmetrical/typical. I like that we hung out even before we were best friends, and you dumped a giant bucket of popcorn on me, staining my favorite hoodie forever. I like when I'll say something weird, and we'll look at each other REALLY awkwardly, then burst out laughing. I like that you snuck me in your room in Florida every night until 2 am, and that we hung out every day. I like when we discuss out dislikes about people. I like when I straddle you in Katie's basement ;) hahaha. I like that I can trust you, and that you can be both crazy&outgoing and chill. I like a lot more, but I can't really think of everything right now. Oh. I like that you're one of my best friends ever, and that you're the sassiest person I've ever met.

This paragraph has made me feel better than anything in a long time. I appreciated it so much. Thanks Brittany!

Today, I watched Religulous. This documentary pretty much mocks religion and religious beliefs. It really sealed my non-belief in God and in religion. I just can't put faith and hope into something that seems so much like a fairy-tale, into something that nobody is even positive about. "But that's what faith is," some may argue. I understand that and I don't have any. I'll waste my time doing something more productive than worshiping something that may not (probably isn't) even real. I don't care, hate me for not believing in God, and hate me for saying he probably isn't real, but if you can PROVE to me that he is real, that there is evidence of him, I'll believe him in an instant.

But for right now, I'll stand strong in my beliefs. If you do argue religion around me, don't expect me to keep quiet because I'm done with that. I'm entitled to my opinion, as you are yours.

I'll probably write a blog entirely for religion soon. I've wanted to for a while.

So, I hope you have a happy first day of August. Mine has been great.

This is the first day of my life.
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
and I'd probably be happy.

One More Thing!

The guy who took these pictures makes me want to do the same thing.

Independence

If there is one thing I've learned throughout my 17 years of life, it is that you should depend mostly, if not totally, upon yourself.
I've always been a pretty independent person, but I guess that's what is bound to happen when you have younger brother born a year after you. Not that I was neglected or anything, but I guess I just seemed to understand that I wouldn't always have help and needed to help myself. But as time continued, I began to rely on people more and more.
I used to rely on others for quite a few things: to help me with something, to be there for me, and even to make me happy. Now that I think about it, it seems so naive of me to do that. I should have just done it myself and saved myself from being mad or upset for someone not being there or helping. After friends slowly started slipping and people gradually stopped being there for me, I started finding out that I was the only person I could rely on.
Now, trying to only rely on myself, I've been happier. Not saying that people will never help me, or that I never want them to help, but I'm just done expecting it. It's kind of like not hoping for something good to happen, and it doesn't happen; the outcome may not seem as bad as if you would've hoped for it. Similarly, unexpected help is much appreciated and welcome, but I won't be too upset if it doesn't happen.
And if that happens, if nobody ends up helping me or being there for me, I'm confident that things will be okay and I'll be happy.

My Life, As of Now, In Less Than 100 Words...

Marching band just started. I'm Section Leader. The music is challenging, but I'm pushing my section to memorize and learn the music now! I hangout with Haleigh and Crystal almost every night. I've hungout with Katie a couple times and it reminds me of last summer, which I love. Fourth of July was fun. We had about 500 bottle rockets and various others. I got my saxophone fixed today. Things are crazy, but I enjoy it. But best of all, life is good.

P.S. Nicole is cool.

A Little Bit About Me...

I'm 17 and was born on April 8, 1993. I have yet to figure out what career I want to pursue when I get older. Something with music, movies, or books interest me the most, though. My best friend is my cousin. My birthday is 4/08 and hers is 8/04. I find that interesting. My ideal girl would be cute and intelligent with a sense of humor and she would play guitar and wear dresses. You can say that I'm shallow, but I just don't want to settle for anyone. My preferred drink is coffee, even though it tends to give me stomach aches. I get good grades, but I feel like I don't learn much, and most of what do I learn is on my own time, not in school. At about age 9, I started teaching myself how to play piano. I used to steal my older brother's work when he was in Kindergarten and, somehow, learned how to read when I was 3. I taught myself how to tie my shoes. The only reason don't enroll in online school is because I like band too much. I have a crush on Hayley Williams. I have a really good memory and feel creepy when I remember certain situations. I'm a very awkward person. I really enjoy Folk music. I'm a lot more outgoing than you probably think. I'm happy all of the time, despite the fact that a lot of things annoy me. I have very strange dreams. Like a lot of people, I want to make a difference in the world or impact people in a very dynamic way, and I won't be satisfied until I do.

My Views on Controversial Issues

Don't tell me that my beliefs are wrong because that makes you look like an idiot.

Abortion: I believe that women have the right to an abortion if they want/need one. I understand that a life would be killed in the process, but ultimately, its the woman's choice. And we could benefit from the stem cells collected after the abortion. Not saying that I would ever urge anyone to get an abortion, but I believe that abortion should always be an option.

Affirmative Action: I believe that affirmative action is such a stupid program. I believe that people who really want to go to college, or get a good job should motivate themselves to achieve their goals, not rely on programs to advance them in the world. It's really unfair to whites and takes away from the principle of 'equality of opportunity' that we have established in this country.

Capital Punishment: I believe that if you can prove that someone has intentionally killed someone else, or if the person admits to it, they should be killed.

Censorship: I believe that people should not be sheltered. Exposing people to things such as a violent video game, or a sexual book, exposes them to what the real world is like.

Drug Legalization: As much as I am an advocate for personal freedom, and we should be able to do whatever we want, this is one of the topics where I contradict myself and say that I don't think this should happen. I just hate seeing people corrupt themselves to a point where they're just scum of the earth, barely getting by. I'm not saying that everyone who does drugs is scum, I've just seen more people than not, start doing drugs, mainly smoking weed, and becoming such a low-life and a disgusting person.

Homosexuality: I believe that everyone has the right to be in love with and married to anybody that they want. Whether they're white, black, mexican, gay, straight, bi, cats, dogs, or whatever, they deserve to be with whoever they want and nobody has the right to take that away from them.

Sex Education: They're going to have to learn about it sometime; it might as well be in school.

Womens' Rights: Women are equal to men. Enough said.

Religion: My beliefs, personally, are that there is no God. I cannot seem to grasp the concept that some supreme being, who appeared out of nowhere, created everything with his magic-like powers. I can't seem to understand why, if he is such a great God, he punishes people on a daily basis. Or why he would accept a killer, if he was a Christian, but not a Saint, if you will, if he wasn't a Christian. I can't seem to give God credit for things that I've done. I've heard people say "God helped me..." or "God gave me the ability to..." Own up to your own actions! Take credit for what you've done! God didn't do anything for you; you did it for yourself! But, I don't believe in religion, itself. I don't like to categorize my thinking into a stupid group because I have my own different beliefs. I believe that the Earth was created in a scientific way, not a magical way, or by a man with odd powers. I believe that humans evolved from different species, not that they were just put here by a supreme being. I believe that I govern how my life will turn out and that I'm responsible for both my good actions as well as my bad and that God has nothing to do with any of it. I believe that religion is so corrupt that nobody knows the truth and we never will. I believe that religion is what humans cling to because they are scared of the unknown.

I thought I'd save the most controversial for last. Although my beliefs may be naive, and may be subject to change in the future, as of right now, I stand by these beliefs very strongly.

Too much.

I have so much to say and I'm not sure how to put it into words, but I'm going to try and give it a shot.

First off, Florida is in a day. I know people are probably going to get mad at me, but this won't be intentional on my part. I just want to be happy.Why can't people get along? I just want this trip to be good, that's all.

Second, I just recently got a GPA of 4.4000, causing me to move up to be ranked second in my class. I was ecstatic. I couldn't have been happier because I had worked my ass of this trimester and feel that I truly deserve it. Also, I got a 27 on my ACT. But with this success, if you will, brings other problems. I feel that I have to dumb myself down just so I can be sympathetic to others, and just so others won't be pissed at me. Why should I have to take credit away from myself just for you to feel satisfied? Why should I allow you to make me feel bad about my good grades? Just because you aren't satisfied with what you've done doesn't mean I should try and make it seem like I don't deserve what I got. And I'm done sympathizing from here on out. From now on, you can cheer yourselves up and motive yourselves.

Thirdly, don't think what you say isn't going to get back to me because, more likely than not, it will. The fact that you've said some of the things you did astonishes me because I've done nothing wrong to you. My grandpa died. I missed four days of school, is that so wrong? Yeah, my brother went to school, but that doesn't mean I had to. My parents okay'ed me everytime I asked to stay home. And no I don't think I'm trying to get away with anything and I'm not regretting missing those four days one bit. Why should I? I'm sorry for bragging, but I missed the limit of days last term, 6 days, go out every weekend with my friends, and even most school nights too, and still managed to get a 4.4000. Also, I did not study one bit for the ACT or for finals. So why should I regret missing four days when I'm independent, can learn on my own, and clearly, can manage myself? The fact that you think I'm so hopeless is crazy to me because, by now, I would've thought that I have proven myself. So next time you think of saying something about me that probably isn't nice, think of a few things: think of what you're saying, who you're saying it to, and if it is true or not.

Lastly, I'm done faking friendships and apologizing for everything that goes wrong in them. Friendships should not be stressful all of the time or have two people angry at each other constantly. A friendship, in my opinion, is one where happiness, (some) similar interests, and wanting to be together is involved. I'm done putting on a show and I'm done worrying about making sure all of my "friends" are happy. This has all been going on for too long and I'm putting it to an end. I know who stays true to me, for the most part, and I'm willing to stick by those people.

Even if nobody reads this, I feel that this was very worthwhile and needed to be put somewhere that wasn't in my head.

I'm Feeling Better.

Lately, I've been feeling so much better about myself. I've noticed everyone I've pulled away from and I realize how much better I am than them. I don't really mean that in a mean way, but its the truth. I'm better than them. I'm not as fake as them, and I appreciate so much more than they will ever know. I don't know, I'm just in a good mood, and everything seems to be going good.
And I had a long distance Valentine. It made me happy :)

TGIF!

IIt is finally Friday! I didn't think it would ever come!
This week hasn't been the best. Everyday, with the exception of today, I've come home from school in a bad mood. Yesterday was the worst though. But I promised myself that I'd be in a good mood today, and it worked!
I didn't have school on Tuesday, and on Wednesday I spent my whole day in the Little Theater putting on two school performances of "Holka Polka." It was better than I thought it would be. And today I have to go up to the school for a night performance and I have another tomorrow.
Then I have to do this stupid paper for English. It's so pointless. I don't really know how to write about "Mutual Relationships." It's whatever though.
All I am hoping for is a good weekend :)