Perfection

Most people want to be perfect. We all strive to be better at something and want to continue improving. I, being a perfectionist, want to be the best at everything, even though I know that it is completely impossible. And today I realized something: I’m SO happy that I’m not, and don’t appear, perfect.

You know those people who just seem to be good at EVERYTHING they do, who just seem to be popular, or who just seem to be everywhere all the time? I’m glad that I’m not one of those people. I like being different. If that means I’m weird, or whatever other adjective anyone can think of, I’m fine with that. I like making mistakes (and learning from them). I like doing bad on tests, failing once in a while, just to keep me in check that I’m not perfect. I like showing my emotions when they’re happening. If I’m sad, I’m not going to try and be the happiest person ever. I’ll try and cheer myself up, but I won’t act like everything is okay. I’ll let my anger show if I’m pissed and I’ll radiate with joy if I’m happy. I don’t want everything to seem “perfect” all of the time because I like feeling like a real human, I like having real emotions and real problems. I feel like it makes up my personality.

Hopefully you understand what was just written because I gave it my best shot at sorting out my feelings about this.

This Year is Mine

This year, I'm not going to falter, I'm not going to quit. I'm going to continue pushing ahead and working at my grades. My goals are set and I'm not stopping until I achieve them.

I Have Alot Running Through My Mind

But, what I really want to say is:

I miss you. I want to be your friend again. I've been sorry from day one, I never wanted to hurt you. . I want to talk. I want to hangout. I miss you more than you know. Text me, it'd be nice to hear from you.

If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not as quiet as you might think. When I'm comfortable around you, I'll never shut up. You'd also know that I hate how shy I am. I long for the time when I'm comfortable around people and can say what I really want to say, instead of holding back in fear that I'll look or feel stupid.

If you really knew me, you'd know I'm not always happy. I try my best to look on the bright side of things, but the bright side is rarely present in the situations that I'm put in. You'd know that I have the worst luck and things never go the way I plan.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm extremely self-conscious about my weight. I know I can do something about it, but I always feel discouraged. I wear a hoodie everyday just to try to tolerate what I look like. You'd know that despite my weight, I'm not lazy. Yeah, we all have our lazy days, but when I want something, I don't just sit around, I get to it. I work for the things I want and don't like them to be just given to me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't like committing myself to girls because of past situations I've been in. You'd know that I fall for girls really hard and I almost always end up on the bad side of things. I don't ever want to get too close in fear that they'll leave. You'd know that I'm afraid to say how I feel in fear that the other person won't feel the same or that I'll appear weak, so I bottle it all up, resulting in an excessive amount of emotion built up.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want that one best friend that I can say anything and everything to. I do have best friends, but I don't feel like they always listen or that they always care. I want someone who will be there no matter what.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want to be perfect. As impossible as it is, that is my goal and any flaw I have, I beat myself up about it. I push myself too far and always end up burning myself out. Whether it be in school, marching band, or just life in general, every once in a while, I hit a wall and feel like I cannot take it anymore.

If you really knew me, you'd know that if I'm not co-valedictorian, I'll feel like a failure. I'm working so hard because I need to be at the top. I want to be recognized for my achievements because I feel like if I'm not, that nobody cares or that nobody even appreciates the hard work that I'm putting in.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate the little things. Small side comments, hidden compliments, and intelligent words; I remember them and appreciate them so much.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have way too high of standards, for everything. I like girls way out of my league, I want to be smarter than I can probably be, and I want to be nothing but the best.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm TERRIFIED for college. I don't know what to do. I want to be a musician, director, writer, photographer, and a graphic designer, but I feel like it's so impossible. I feel like I won't make it in any of the fields, so I may just go to be an accountant, because I'm pretty sure I'd be good at that. Although the "safe way" has never been my route, I may need to take it in college, unless someone will give me some guidance.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate you for reading this.

I'm Happy

Everything is going good. I'm in a good mood. I want to look into some situations and start talking to more people. I'm really happy right now and hope that this mood with stay.

Band Camp

I got back from Band Camp today after spending six days there. So much happened and I had so much fun. I loved every second of it.

Sunday, the first day, everything was pretty quiet. At the opening camp fire, I started to take everything in because I really wanted to remember as much as I could, as this was my last year. The seniors stayed after the camp fire and we got into a 13-member group hug and swayed back and forth. A few people talked and said whatever was on their mind and we all started sobbing. I've never felt so close to a group of people before. I believe that that group hug brought us closer throughout the week.

Monday and Tuesday were brutal, hot, and humid. But we managed to buckle down and continue to learn show, despite being rained out at one of the rehearsals. Also, Tuesday night, we had the freshmen boys and girls midnight march. Although they may not have liked it, I enjoyed it and thought it was hilarious.

By Wednesday, we were all exhausted, but we continued to push ourselves and work hard. Then came the dance, and we had to pick dates. I picked a freshmen girl from my section. And I actually danced around this year. I had fun and loved it. Then, right after the last song, I saw Micah, and we hugged. We hugged for what seemed like forever and we started crying and soon after, all of the seniors were crying, too. It was really sad and I didn't want to leave. I think thats when it first started hitting me that I'll never come back to learn another show again.

After finishing drill on Wednesday, we still had two long days to clean.

Friday was the most anticipated and dreaded day for me. A lot of unsung heroes were given and the ones that touched me the most were from Katie, Mykayla, and Ryan. I couldn't hold it in and cried silently. I never thought so many people cared that I was actually there, learning the show with them.

So, going into camp I had three goals: Get Best Marcher, Best Section and most of all, have fun.

At the closing campfire, after playing the games, and initiating Joey, it was award time. Most Spirited, Best Boy Camper, Best Girl Camper, Most Improved, Best Freshman, Best Sophomore, Best Junior, and Best Senior were given. Then it was time for Best Marcher. I bent over in anxiety and, at the same time, felt like I did and didn't want to know who the award would go to. When Cassell said "...And now the Best Marcher award..." and people from many different directions started saying "Charlie... Charlie... Charlie" I felt this feeling rush over me. And then my name was called. "Charlie Giraud." I had never felt so accomplished in my life. I was in total disbelief and was so far beyond happy that I didn't know what to say. I could feel the tears coming but I held them back because I wanted to remember the moment as happy and not crying.

And the final award was announced. Best Section was given to the saxophones, my section, which I am Section Leader of. It was all unbelievable to me.

I don't think people know how much these awards mean to me. I put everything into it and am so glad that I got the outcome that I wanted. I'm so proud of my section and hope they're proud as well. They deserve it so much and I'm glad all of their hard work payed off.

And after the final campfire, the seniors stayed after again. We got in a group hug, but we didn't cry this time. We all were talking, laughing, and making jokes. It was then that I felt like I had a great bond with the seniors. I love every single one of them, no matter what, and I'm so glad that I spent this last week with them. All of the fun, all of the memories, I will cherish them because it was the best week of my life.

Everything that happened this week was just perfect. I loved it. I'm so sad that I won't be going back next year, but I'm glad I went out with such a great year and great people. I'm glad I met new freshmen, and got closer to some sophomores and juniors.

I just want to say thank you for such a great week. I will never forget it.

Night Owls forever!

Never Sure

I always think peoples' statuses are about me, but I'm never sure and I don't want to ask.

If yours was about me, I miss you too.

Senior Year

With Band Camp being only two days away now, it is starting to hit me that this is my last year. This will be the last time I go, the last show I learn, the last time to have this experience and I'm very sad about it.

It seems like just yesterday it was my first day of band. I remember how scared I was, how nervous I was. But for some reason, a reason which I really still have no clue of, people seemed to like me. Maybe they didn't like me, maybe they just tolerated me, I'm not sure. But when I first got to camp, I saw how things were really going to happen. I saw an instant change in people, and the Freshman started to get messed with. But, again, for unknown reasons, I was exempt from having to do the freeze drill. After leaving, I felt a sense of enjoyment and couldn't wait to go back.

Sophomore year was more of the same, just with more friends, more jokes, and more fun.

Junior year was, by far, the best of the three. The show was great, I liked the Seniors, and I had opened up a lot that summer. At camp, I really tried my hardest and set my eyes on the Best Junior award. When the announcing of awards came and my name was called for Best Junior, I was filled with a sense of joy and accomplishment.

Now, about to go to my Senior year, my last year, of Band Camp, I've set my goals. As section leader, my goal is to get Best Section, and as of right now, we are definitely in the running, something that hasn't happened since I've been here. I feel like I do play a very big part in this since I am helping my section and pushing them as much as I can, but I cannot take all the credit. The people in my section are great and they are working so hard, and I'm very proud. Another goal is to get Best Marcher, the highest award you can get at Band Camp. Last year, I found out that I was actually in the running for Best Marcher (yes, as a Junior!), but instead of me, a very deserving Senior won it. So, hopefully, I can continue to improve, and continue to push myself, as well as everyone else, and can win this award. If my section were to get Best Section and I were to win Best Marcher, I don't think I'd be able to express my happiness.

That's just the Marching Band aspect of it. In about a month, I will return to school for another 9-month-long torture. It does not feel like I've been at Truman for four years. I've come a long way since Freshman year and I'm so proud of myself.

Freshman year was tough. Having to learn how to juggle Marching Band, academics, friends and time for myself was not an easy task. But I learned. I had as many honors classes as possible and was able to keep a decent GPA.

Sophomore year was even harder. More honors classes, Marching Band, joining Drama, joining NHS, juggling more friends, more tasks, and still trying to have alone time was harder.

The summer before Junior year I changed a lot. I had opened up and I've allowed myself to do things I wouldn't have before. Yes, I'm still shy and still awkward, but I'm finally proud of myself and happy with myself. So, that summer, I promised myself that I must, no matter what, worry about school and push myself harder than I ever had. I now had two AP classes, Marching Band, Drama, NHS, Symphonic Band, Jazz Band, Band Council, friends and alone time.

Throughout Junior year, things had changed as well. I had lost a lot of friends, pulled away from some of the closest and still had to try and focus. At times, I wanted to quit. I wanted to say "who cares about school? Why can't I just do what makes me happy?" But, I continued to work at it. I started the school year off with a class rank of 18. With the help of three grade-point-averages over 4.0, I am currently number 2 in my class. Also, I got a 27 on my ACT. I am the Vice-President in NHS, section leader in both Marching Band and Symphonic Band, and Secretary of Band Council. I have achieved so much these last three years and I couldn't be happier.

So, really, the point of this is to say that I want to continue to work. I want to continue to push myself, as well as others, and also, be pushed too. I want to work for more awards, more achievements, but even more so, I want to work to achieve the goals I set. I want to work and, one day, be able to make films, make music, and write novels.

As weird as it is to me, I'm ready for my Senior year, and I'm ready for Band Camp. I hope to have fun with the Seniors and really make this last year of ours enjoyable and memorable, as well.

So, here's to coming out of my shell even more and having the best Senior year possible.

Happy August

Today is the first day of August and I'm happy. I want to start out fresh.

I've been doing p90x and I've been feeling better. I'm glad I can finally commit to exercising. Although I may have to force myself to do it, I know I'll be much happier with the end result.

I've been thinking a lot about the compliments I've been given in the past. Yes, I remember most of them. No matter how small or irrelevant, I remember them because they always make me feel good. I appreciate them a lot. One I got recently has helped me a lot. Just by someone, who I rarely talk to, saying "you're a good section leader" assured me that I am doing something right and has made me more confident in my position. But one of the best compliments I've gotten was from my friend Brittany when I "liked" her Facebook status and she told me something she liked and disliked about me, her first impression of me, and a confession. The "like" category said this:

You're one of the funniest people I know. And you're the only person I can be awkward with, without it being awkward (And I like the fact that you'll be the only person who understands that). No matter how confusing I am, you understand me inside and out, and you share my increased appeal for depressing acoustic music when the leaves change colors and become crisp. I like your laugh, because it's sincere and awkward. I like the fact that I could sit with you literally forever, and not get sick of it. I like our in-depth conversations, and all of the good times we've had. Your appreciation for the finer things in life is amazing (and by finer things, I mean the meaningless things that everyone overlooks day by day). I like the fact that your eyes are different sizes, because I don't like when things are symmetrical/typical. I like that we hung out even before we were best friends, and you dumped a giant bucket of popcorn on me, staining my favorite hoodie forever. I like when I'll say something weird, and we'll look at each other REALLY awkwardly, then burst out laughing. I like that you snuck me in your room in Florida every night until 2 am, and that we hung out every day. I like when we discuss out dislikes about people. I like when I straddle you in Katie's basement ;) hahaha. I like that I can trust you, and that you can be both crazy&outgoing and chill. I like a lot more, but I can't really think of everything right now. Oh. I like that you're one of my best friends ever, and that you're the sassiest person I've ever met.

This paragraph has made me feel better than anything in a long time. I appreciated it so much. Thanks Brittany!

Today, I watched Religulous. This documentary pretty much mocks religion and religious beliefs. It really sealed my non-belief in God and in religion. I just can't put faith and hope into something that seems so much like a fairy-tale, into something that nobody is even positive about. "But that's what faith is," some may argue. I understand that and I don't have any. I'll waste my time doing something more productive than worshiping something that may not (probably isn't) even real. I don't care, hate me for not believing in God, and hate me for saying he probably isn't real, but if you can PROVE to me that he is real, that there is evidence of him, I'll believe him in an instant.

But for right now, I'll stand strong in my beliefs. If you do argue religion around me, don't expect me to keep quiet because I'm done with that. I'm entitled to my opinion, as you are yours.

I'll probably write a blog entirely for religion soon. I've wanted to for a while.

So, I hope you have a happy first day of August. Mine has been great.

This is the first day of my life.
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
and I'd probably be happy.

One More Thing!

The guy who took these pictures makes me want to do the same thing.

Since You've Been Gone

Since you've been gone, I've changed, a lot.

Since you've been gone, I've become more sure of myself. I'm now confident in things that I do. I now try harder at everything rather than relying on talent or on skill. I am able to formulate my own opinions about issues and argue them. I try not to be nicer to people and help them. I'm not as embarrassing, haha, or at least I don't think so. I've lost a few of the friends I thought would remain throughout high school. Life, even.

Since you've been gone, I've come out of my shell a little bit. I'm more outgoing. I laugh louder and more often. I think things through even more.

If you could see me now, you'd see that I'm still shy, but am trying to change it. You'd see that I'm still the same awkward boy as before. You'd see that I still like a lot of the same music, although I listen to a lot of different stuff as well. You'd see that I wouldn't be afraid to tell you how I feel

Since you've been gone, I've missed you.

Choices

It's weird to get inspired by a comic, but it just happened to me.

I was reading a comic called "Choices," which is a five-part comic, and I liked it a lot. The part I liked most was when this was said:

Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without knowing how they'll turn out.

This part of the comic has made me realize something: doing the same thing all the time, never being spontaneous, never changing it up, is extremely bland. I need to do new things, meet new people. Don't get me wrong, I like my friends and I enjoy the time spent with them, but I want to get more out of life than just being with the same circle of friends doing the same thing all of the time. I need to change it up a bit.

You can read the comic here.

Independence

If there is one thing I've learned throughout my 17 years of life, it is that you should depend mostly, if not totally, upon yourself.
I've always been a pretty independent person, but I guess that's what is bound to happen when you have younger brother born a year after you. Not that I was neglected or anything, but I guess I just seemed to understand that I wouldn't always have help and needed to help myself. But as time continued, I began to rely on people more and more.
I used to rely on others for quite a few things: to help me with something, to be there for me, and even to make me happy. Now that I think about it, it seems so naive of me to do that. I should have just done it myself and saved myself from being mad or upset for someone not being there or helping. After friends slowly started slipping and people gradually stopped being there for me, I started finding out that I was the only person I could rely on.
Now, trying to only rely on myself, I've been happier. Not saying that people will never help me, or that I never want them to help, but I'm just done expecting it. It's kind of like not hoping for something good to happen, and it doesn't happen; the outcome may not seem as bad as if you would've hoped for it. Similarly, unexpected help is much appreciated and welcome, but I won't be too upset if it doesn't happen.
And if that happens, if nobody ends up helping me or being there for me, I'm confident that things will be okay and I'll be happy.

Note To Self:

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

I really hope it happens.

A Few Things On My Mind

One: Don't waste my time. If you're in Marching Band and it's such a pain, get out. We don't want you, and we sure don't need you, either. Many people see your Facebook statuses that always have some sort of negative tone towards Marching Band and, honestly, if it's that big of a chore, leave. We'd be much better off without you.

Two: I hate sloppy, trashy people. Posting things on Myspace/Twitter/Facebook that say you're "high," "trashed," "fucked up," or "drunk as fuck" is not appealing at all. Yeah, your friends may not care, and some others as well, but it makes you look so disgusting. I instantly lose respect for people who carry on about things like that. You're scum. Grow up.

Three: What makes number two even better is when the people who are posting these statuses claim to be Christian and love God more than anything. I don't believe in God, but I don't do that stuff. Kudos for continuously contradicting yourself.

Four: Even though I haven't been too happy lately, I'm optimistic that things will get better. And that is my new Half-years resolution. Be happier. I've been too hard on myself this year and I've been unhappy a lot. From here on out, I'm going to be happier and more optimistic.

Five: I miss you.

I Feel Like I Have Things To Say

But I'm drawing a b l a n k...

If I Were A

If I were a dog, I'd be a German Shepherd.

If I were a song, I'd be Konstantine.

If I were a movie, I'd be Little Miss Sunshine.

If I were a fast food place, I'd be Taco Bell.

If I were a car, I'd be an Impala.

If I were a sport, I'd be basketball.

If I were a time, I'd want to be 12:34.

If I were an actor, I'd be Steve Carrell.

If I were a color, I'd be red.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Friday.

If I were a month, I'd be October.

If I were an instrument, I'd be a piano.

If I were a school subject, I'd be English.

If I were a word, I'd be Hi.

If I were a book, I'd be The Perks of Being A Wallflower.

My Life, As of Now, In Less Than 100 Words...

Marching band just started. I'm Section Leader. The music is challenging, but I'm pushing my section to memorize and learn the music now! I hangout with Haleigh and Crystal almost every night. I've hungout with Katie a couple times and it reminds me of last summer, which I love. Fourth of July was fun. We had about 500 bottle rockets and various others. I got my saxophone fixed today. Things are crazy, but I enjoy it. But best of all, life is good.

P.S. Nicole is cool.

Happiness

These things make me happy:

Being with my friends, drinking coffee, driving around, Marching Band, achieving goals, high grades, Taco Bell, honesty, nice people, funny people, pianos, Little Miss Sunshine, teaching myself things, teachers who I can talk to, second chances, learning from mistakes, acoustic guitars, making music, reminiscing, playing pool, laughing until you cry, Detroit, compliments, Paramore, songs that remind you of fun times, playing basketball, saxophones, Toms shoes, best friend bracelets, basketball shorts, writing, English class, traveling, playgrounds, American Apparel hoodies, filming things, trying to learn trumpet, indie films, iPods, wanting to be a musician, director, writer and graphic designer when I'm older, and things happening the way I plan them.

A Special Thank You

Lately, I have given up on humanity. I've been focusing on the bad that people do: how greedy they are, how they corrupt themselves, as well as others, and how they, simply, suck. But one small event completely changed me.

On June 26, after spending all day at Crystal's graduation party, Haleigh and I stayed the night at Crystal's house and had a few sparklers and decided to go sit out in Crystal's front yard. We started burning the sparkler boxes and sort of created a small fire. As we sat there, a man in a St. Louis Cardinals hat, carrying a plastic grocery bag, approached us and started talking about how he used to light anthills on fire as a kid. As morbid as it was, we all found it kind of funny. The man decided to "sit for a minute by the fire" and continued talking to us.

He told us that his name was Robert, that his 81-year-old mother was dying of a brain tumor, and that he was homeless. You could tell that he had had a few drinks, but I found what he said to still be credible. He talked of his mother with great passion and you could tell he loved her, as the sound of his voice was delicate when he spoke of her. He told us stories and joked around with us. He told us of his experimenting with marijuana, but stopped when he saw that it made us uncomfortable. He told us about his faith in God, him going to Belleville (how he rode his bike all the way there and back), and his fortune that he got out of a fortune cookie, which talked of his opportunities expanding in the future. He decided he wanted to play his lucky numbers, on the rear of the fortune, in the lottery.

Not once did he ask for money. Not once did he ask for food. Not once did he ask for a place to stay. Not once did he ask for anything.

All he did was thank us for the time that we spent with him. He said that the laughing we all did, the jokes we told, the time we spent, was enough to let him escape his sad life and be happy. He said that that meant more to him than anything.

He restored my faith in humanity because he made me realize that not all people are mean, not all people want something from you, and not all people are looking for a reward. He made me realize that you don't need a bunch of things to be happy, and that laughing and spending time with people is enough to make you happy. He made me feel like we were such a big help to him, when, in reality, all we were, were 3 teenagers burning things on the side of the street.

Although we only talked for about 45 minutes, Robert changed my outlook on things, and has bettered me. It's something I will never forget.

Thank you Robert, I wish only the best for you.

Posted this by accident

Now, I feel like I must write something...

Everything is a mess.

I love it.

A Little Bit About Me...

I'm 17 and was born on April 8, 1993. I have yet to figure out what career I want to pursue when I get older. Something with music, movies, or books interest me the most, though. My best friend is my cousin. My birthday is 4/08 and hers is 8/04. I find that interesting. My ideal girl would be cute and intelligent with a sense of humor and she would play guitar and wear dresses. You can say that I'm shallow, but I just don't want to settle for anyone. My preferred drink is coffee, even though it tends to give me stomach aches. I get good grades, but I feel like I don't learn much, and most of what do I learn is on my own time, not in school. At about age 9, I started teaching myself how to play piano. I used to steal my older brother's work when he was in Kindergarten and, somehow, learned how to read when I was 3. I taught myself how to tie my shoes. The only reason don't enroll in online school is because I like band too much. I have a crush on Hayley Williams. I have a really good memory and feel creepy when I remember certain situations. I'm a very awkward person. I really enjoy Folk music. I'm a lot more outgoing than you probably think. I'm happy all of the time, despite the fact that a lot of things annoy me. I have very strange dreams. Like a lot of people, I want to make a difference in the world or impact people in a very dynamic way, and I won't be satisfied until I do.

My Views on Controversial Issues

Don't tell me that my beliefs are wrong because that makes you look like an idiot.

Abortion: I believe that women have the right to an abortion if they want/need one. I understand that a life would be killed in the process, but ultimately, its the woman's choice. And we could benefit from the stem cells collected after the abortion. Not saying that I would ever urge anyone to get an abortion, but I believe that abortion should always be an option.

Affirmative Action: I believe that affirmative action is such a stupid program. I believe that people who really want to go to college, or get a good job should motivate themselves to achieve their goals, not rely on programs to advance them in the world. It's really unfair to whites and takes away from the principle of 'equality of opportunity' that we have established in this country.

Capital Punishment: I believe that if you can prove that someone has intentionally killed someone else, or if the person admits to it, they should be killed.

Censorship: I believe that people should not be sheltered. Exposing people to things such as a violent video game, or a sexual book, exposes them to what the real world is like.

Drug Legalization: As much as I am an advocate for personal freedom, and we should be able to do whatever we want, this is one of the topics where I contradict myself and say that I don't think this should happen. I just hate seeing people corrupt themselves to a point where they're just scum of the earth, barely getting by. I'm not saying that everyone who does drugs is scum, I've just seen more people than not, start doing drugs, mainly smoking weed, and becoming such a low-life and a disgusting person.

Homosexuality: I believe that everyone has the right to be in love with and married to anybody that they want. Whether they're white, black, mexican, gay, straight, bi, cats, dogs, or whatever, they deserve to be with whoever they want and nobody has the right to take that away from them.

Sex Education: They're going to have to learn about it sometime; it might as well be in school.

Womens' Rights: Women are equal to men. Enough said.

Religion: My beliefs, personally, are that there is no God. I cannot seem to grasp the concept that some supreme being, who appeared out of nowhere, created everything with his magic-like powers. I can't seem to understand why, if he is such a great God, he punishes people on a daily basis. Or why he would accept a killer, if he was a Christian, but not a Saint, if you will, if he wasn't a Christian. I can't seem to give God credit for things that I've done. I've heard people say "God helped me..." or "God gave me the ability to..." Own up to your own actions! Take credit for what you've done! God didn't do anything for you; you did it for yourself! But, I don't believe in religion, itself. I don't like to categorize my thinking into a stupid group because I have my own different beliefs. I believe that the Earth was created in a scientific way, not a magical way, or by a man with odd powers. I believe that humans evolved from different species, not that they were just put here by a supreme being. I believe that I govern how my life will turn out and that I'm responsible for both my good actions as well as my bad and that God has nothing to do with any of it. I believe that religion is so corrupt that nobody knows the truth and we never will. I believe that religion is what humans cling to because they are scared of the unknown.

I thought I'd save the most controversial for last. Although my beliefs may be naive, and may be subject to change in the future, as of right now, I stand by these beliefs very strongly.

Too much.

I have so much to say and I'm not sure how to put it into words, but I'm going to try and give it a shot.

First off, Florida is in a day. I know people are probably going to get mad at me, but this won't be intentional on my part. I just want to be happy.Why can't people get along? I just want this trip to be good, that's all.

Second, I just recently got a GPA of 4.4000, causing me to move up to be ranked second in my class. I was ecstatic. I couldn't have been happier because I had worked my ass of this trimester and feel that I truly deserve it. Also, I got a 27 on my ACT. But with this success, if you will, brings other problems. I feel that I have to dumb myself down just so I can be sympathetic to others, and just so others won't be pissed at me. Why should I have to take credit away from myself just for you to feel satisfied? Why should I allow you to make me feel bad about my good grades? Just because you aren't satisfied with what you've done doesn't mean I should try and make it seem like I don't deserve what I got. And I'm done sympathizing from here on out. From now on, you can cheer yourselves up and motive yourselves.

Thirdly, don't think what you say isn't going to get back to me because, more likely than not, it will. The fact that you've said some of the things you did astonishes me because I've done nothing wrong to you. My grandpa died. I missed four days of school, is that so wrong? Yeah, my brother went to school, but that doesn't mean I had to. My parents okay'ed me everytime I asked to stay home. And no I don't think I'm trying to get away with anything and I'm not regretting missing those four days one bit. Why should I? I'm sorry for bragging, but I missed the limit of days last term, 6 days, go out every weekend with my friends, and even most school nights too, and still managed to get a 4.4000. Also, I did not study one bit for the ACT or for finals. So why should I regret missing four days when I'm independent, can learn on my own, and clearly, can manage myself? The fact that you think I'm so hopeless is crazy to me because, by now, I would've thought that I have proven myself. So next time you think of saying something about me that probably isn't nice, think of a few things: think of what you're saying, who you're saying it to, and if it is true or not.

Lastly, I'm done faking friendships and apologizing for everything that goes wrong in them. Friendships should not be stressful all of the time or have two people angry at each other constantly. A friendship, in my opinion, is one where happiness, (some) similar interests, and wanting to be together is involved. I'm done putting on a show and I'm done worrying about making sure all of my "friends" are happy. This has all been going on for too long and I'm putting it to an end. I know who stays true to me, for the most part, and I'm willing to stick by those people.

Even if nobody reads this, I feel that this was very worthwhile and needed to be put somewhere that wasn't in my head.