This will be a really personal post, but I have to do it.

I have way too much on my plate right now. Way too much. I honestly don't give a fuck who reads this. I mean, I don't care if, by a slight chance, anyone I know reads this.
Me and Sarah have been talking for two months (today, actually), but my feelings seem to be slipping, like they always do. I don't know why they do. It's weird though. I know I still like her, but something is pushing me, telling me no, so my mind argues with my feelings, and my head always wins. I like Sarah, but there is just something about this situation that I hate. Maybe it's the being tied down? Well, it's not like I sleep with anyone, so what's my problem? I'm a flirt, and I know it. I like the idea of being able to like whoever I choose. Yeah, I'm overweight, and yeah, I'm not the most attractive, but I do believe I manage. I believe that my personality is above-par (not to seem cocky or anything, but hey, I can compliment myself) and that I'm not too horrid looking. I believe that I do well with what I have. Now with that said, I like flirting with girls, even if they don't really think I'm flirting, whatever. I like to feel like I have a chance. And maybe the fact that this feeling is taken away when seriously talking with a girl is why I hate feeling tied down or whatever.
Also, I believe the three-year age gap may be taking it's toll. Don't get me wrong, she's a mature girl, and she's nice, humorous, and understands me very well, but sometimes, I want to do things. Not meaning I want to have sex, but I want to do things, because making out isn't really my favorite thing to do. I mean, I don't want to have sex, but I do. Whatever, I just want to do things. I want to experience things, and I know she isn't ready and I'd never push her to do something that she doesn't want. You see, I'm changing. I feel like I want to share feelings with somebody, but I also feel that I want to just hang out with girls, hold hands for no reason, kiss them, do whatever. I just want to do things without consequence. Even if we were to have feelings I want to be able to experience so much. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.
I know I still like Sarah, I just want to be with her and still be free, and I know that's completely impossible. I'm not crazy, I swear. I just want so many contradicting things at the same time. I guess it'd just be better for me to be single forever. I'm not sure. I just need to do things. I'm just going to do things that I want in the moment and deal with the consequences later, because either way, I'll make it through. And since I can usually create my own happiness, I should be fine.
I just feel like I need to keep writing, as it's making me feel better, so here comes my flood of thoughts.
I want to go. I want to go somewhere, where there is no stress, pain, consequence, judgment. I want to go somewhere, make and listen to music, read, write, kiss the most beautiful girls and tell them how much I love them and just get to know them and they get to know me. I just want to tell people who I am. I want to know who people are. I want to show people the real me, and I want to show people how fun and outgoing and appreciative I can be. I want to go out there and start making my mark. I want to prove to other people that boys can be nice, that they just need their own time to mature and improve. I want to drive on the highway with my window down and feel the wind blowing back my hair, listening to summer music, and I want that slight smile to come to my face and the laughter that follows as I think of how embarrassing it would be if someone saw me randomly smiling, but then remember that I shouldn't be embarrassed for smiling, because smiling is beautiful and I need to do it more often because I like being happy. I want to stare into the other cars and feel a slight pain in my body because I'll never know who the people in the car are or where they're going, but I'll hope the best for them, no matter who they are or what their story is. I want to be free from obligation. I want to be the perfect guy for somebody. I want to be understood and assured that everything will be okay despite the fact that I don't think so. I want my parents to tell me that they fucking love me and that no matter what, they'll always be proud of me and that no matter what I do in the future, I'll be successful. I want my brothers to be proud of me. I want not have to sleep ever again. I want to be known by others for being a happy, smart, introspective guy. I want to not have anxiety anymore. I want my sinus infection to go away. I want to lose weight, and I want to be able to keep the motivation to do so. I want to be so successful and I want to keep the friends I have now because I really do fucking love them. All of them. Haleigh, Crystal, Katie, Mykayla, Jamie, Zack, Nicole and Sarah. I want to talk to Brandy, Shelby, Kaylah, Brittany Bonnici, and Christy again. I miss them so much. I want everything to work out. I want my grandparents to show me even the smallest amount of love. I want my dog Mandy to live forever. Gidjett, too. I want to lay on the hammock in the middle of summer and be engulfed in the burning stars' light. I want to raise my own baby lion. I want to have a child and I want to expose them to everything and I want them to know that I fucking love them, and I always will. I want to instill so many good morals and views into them and I want them to do the same exact thing to me. I want to show people that I'm capable. I want to be perfectly content. I want to fall in and out of love so many times, listen to the best music, take the most embarrassing pictures with my best friends, never have to part with my friends, stay young forever and be the happiest fucking person that this planet has ever gave life to.
I hope this isn't too much to ask for.

I like this.

I've always known this, but for some reason, it's really starting to intrigue me: I really enjoy the fact that people never really know whats going on in my head. People never know how to pin-point who I really am, and I love it. People probably think I'm weird and I love it. I want to start putting myself out there more, so that I can be more a mystery. I want to be free and to travel and do wherever and whatever I please. I want to do things without consequence. I want to fall, but get back up. I want to kiss, but not love. I want to speed down the highway, but not crash. I want to fly, but not crash. I want to be absolutely free amd nobody understands this.
I'll give an example:
I want to make music and write novels. I want to travel the world and listening to music while doing so. I want to meet new people. I want to kiss all the beautiful girls I can and not be tied down. I want many loves in my life, but to not be tied down by them. I want there to be an unalterable love between us, even if we're with different people. I want to laugh often and loudly. I want to give back to the Earth, give back things that are better than what were given to me. I want a kid, one who I can talk of my experiences. I want to be happy forever.
I'm going to stop now, as I feel I'm giving my mystery away.
Thank you for reading.

Perception

I recently heard that some kid called me gay. I'm not sure if this is true, as he is denying it, but it got me to thinking. Although I'm not gay, do I come off as homosexual? Which led me to think, what am I perceived as?

Let me tell you what I am: I'm a boy. I'm straight. I'm insecure. I'm tall. I'm overweight. I'm shy. I'm not confident in myself. I'm intelligent. I'm slightly humorous. I'm appreciative. I'm irate, a lot. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm an observer. I'm an introvert. I'm a band geek. I'm nervous. I'm an Atheist. I'm a support of abortion and gay-rights. I'm not serious. I'm easy-going. I'm calm. I'm a realist. I'm my own person. I'm like nobody you've ever met, and I can guarantee that. I'm sensitive. I'm a perfectionist. I'm much better than I'm treated. I'm an ambitious, young-man who will make it in this harsh world. I'm human.

If you didn't notice, none of these statements dealt with your opinion, the reader's opinion. I'm not what you think I am, nor will I ever be. I don't fall into a certain category. And for insults I've ever heard about me, keep them coming. It is these insults that drive me to continue being who I am and, most of the time, I find them sort-of funny, as I'm not gay, and being overweight is something I'm working on.

Your perception of me will never be correct.

Renovation

This is my new page, where I'm going to place my thoughts. No matter how dark, cynical, or crazy, I am going to write them down here for all of you, most likely nobody, to read. I just can't let people I know, people who won't understand me, read this. I need people who understand and allow people to be.
I want you to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not sad, really. I just feel too much, that's all. I just care for people in a huge way, and I'm constantly let down, which forces me to think the way I do.
Also, a lot of the time, I think of things that have no relevance in my life. I think of some pretty morbid things, but I don't feel them. Hopefully this makes sense. I just feel like you can think things, but you don't have to feel or believe them.
I'm just a teenager, with the best of intentions, trying to get through High School. I know it'll all get better, but I just need a place where everything can go and be understood. I don't want all of these posts to be sad or anything, I just want them to be real, to be me. I'll give you that promise, that they'll just be me and be real and what I truly feel. Hopefully somebody will appreciate this.
Thank you.

Is there a reason that I'm constantly treated like shit?

Haha what the hell?