2011

12/31/11
Wow, has it been a year. I knew going into this year that things would change, but I don't think I fully comprehended what that actually meant. So much has happened and I'd like to share it with you.
I remember January being terrible. I was the saddest that I had ever been at that point and I was beyond lonely. I felt sad all of the time and that wasn't acceptable, seeing as I wanted to be happy this year. So, with that said, I started changing. The very last day of January, I texted Sarah because I missed her.
February, me and Sarah talked more and we both lived up to our word, as we both told each other that we didn't want to be alone for Valentines Day this year, so we spent it together. Also, in February, I went to Scholars Day for Wayne State and ended up getting $16,000 for scholarships to Wayne State. I was ecstatic! Also, Haleigh, Crystal, and I drove to Cleaveland Heights, Ohio to see Max Bemis, the lead singer of the band Say Anything. It was so great! We all sang on the way there and sang at the show, too. We got a hotel after, but it was really hot. I couldn't care too much, though, because I was out of state with my best friends, feeling free.
In March, I got the report card that decided my fate: it told me whether or not I would be Co-Valedictorian, whether or not I'd be giving a speech at graduation. I opened it; I WAS STILL NUMBER TWO! I don't think anybody knows how happy I was at that moment. I felt more accomplished than ever.
In April, I went to fifth grade camp. I was a camp counselor and became really good friends with a girl named Haley Konfrst. We hungout a lot there. We had coffee breaks, sneaking her into my cabin, and fruit snack games on the deck. It was so much fun. Also, my birthday was on the last day at camp and they sang to me. I came home and Crystal picked me up and my mom gave us money to go to Taco Bell. My parents know me too well, haha. Also, in April, I told Sarah I could no longer do this and that I needed time to myself.
In May, things started to feel surreal and I finally got the feeling that I'd soon be leaving high school. I went to prom with Jamie-Lynn who looked beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better date. She ruled. Afterwards, Jamie, Katie, and I went up-north to spend the weekend at Jamie's cabin. I remember me and Jamie shared a bed and, for some reason, that made me really happy. The next day, we ended up getting a flat tire and had to drive home on a tire that used fix-a-flat to seal the hole. Also, I guess you could say that Christy and I sort of talked again. I don't know why we always do this, honestly. Also, at the end of May, we had our last band concert, which involved people dressed in Star Wars costumes. I also received the honor of winning the John Philip Sousa award. I could've cried because I was so happy.
June came and my last day of high school occurred. It was sad. I made sure to talk to Ms. Lojewski as much as possible. She affected my life greatly and I hope she never forgets me, either. I look up to her more than I could ever say. We had the farewell assembly and all that I remember is Lojewski and Arseneau blowing me kisses as I walked down the aisle. They'll always be my favorites. Then graduation came and I had to give my speech. I was pretty nervous, but I wanted to do this so bad. I gave my speech and while I was giving it, I just remember thinking "I'm doing it! I'm living a dream of mine!" I remember being so happy and the huge applaud after meant so much to me. That applaud, in my opinion, symbolized the start of my summer.
In July, I hungout with Haleigh and Crystal as much as possible. We didn't hangout everyday like the past, but we hungout a lot, still. I started talking to Sarah, again, on the fourth, and I'm happy to say that we're still talking. I jumped off of a ladder and into Crystal's pool, except the ladder moved and I landed on the side of the pool. You can bet your bottom dollar that it hurt so bad. I distinctly remember going to Luna Pier to watch fireworks. That was an off-guard kind of happy day. I didn't think that it was going to be that great, but it was. I also saw Jack's Mannequin for the second time with Katie.
In August, Haleigh, Crystal, and I all went to the zoo for Haleigh's birthday. It was fun! I really liked the baby elephant. I also got to go back to Band Camp as the Saxophone instructor. I was really excited considering that I took the place of my middle-school band instructor! Also, in August, I got to see one of my favorite bands ever: Tigers Jaw! It was awesome. Then, I moved into my college dorm. I met my roommates and it was pretty awkward, but we've all grown a little closer. Especially me and Chandler. I also met some pretty cool people that live down the hall from me.
In September, I mainly focused on school and I came home every weekend to hangout with my friends.
In October, I got to go see Saves the Day with Haleigh and Crystal! Also, I got to see Andrew Jackson Jihad with Crystal. On Halloween, I had to go to my speech class. Growing up sucks.
In November, I got to go see The Front Bottoms in East Lansing with Crystal. I also went and seen Fitz & The Tantrums with Eric, Matt, and Jessica. On Thanksgiving, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Thanksgiving Day parade. We saw my old marching band march, and we saw my brother, who is the Drum Major this year. The day after, Haleigh, Crystal, and I went to the Light Parade in Howell. We actually got to see floats this year!
December flaked in and finals were crushing me. I ended up getting into a deep rut and was the saddest I had ever felt in my life. I hated it. Luckily I made it through and ended up getting a 3.9 GPA. This Christmas was the best that I've ever had and I'm lucky to have been able to spend it with my best friends this year. I love Haleigh and Crystal so much. On the 27, Haleigh, Crystal, and I saw Tigers Jaw for a second time! It was even better than the first!
And that brings me to where I am right now, sitting on my bed, listening to The Wonder Years. I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I made it through this year. I'm happy to have changed as much as I did. I did things for me this year. Fifth grade camp, graduating, band camp, shows, college; it all was so worth it.
I became friends with Shelby again, I started talking to Brandy again, I stopped talking to others. I started going on bike rides and I've lost thirty pounds since June. I feel like things are starting to work out for me. For once, I feel like my resolutions are working and they are going to better me. I feel like things are, honestly, great, for once. I feel okay about myself.
So, now, I want to make a huge change in my life. I want to lose more weight. I want to speak my mind even more. I want to continue to change and be happy and do the things that make me happy. 2011 was definitely a changing year, a learning year, a transition year. It was all worth it. It definitely added to who I am as a person and everything worked out. I learned about a lot of things and I hope to remember most of them. I like remembering because it's all we really have.
This was a year of beginnings and ends. I started college. I finished my book. I started caring about myself. I stopped caring about negativity. It all worked out.
Sitting here, I'm hoping for a better year. Although my mind seems elsewhere right now, and I feel somewhat disconnected from this, future me, remember, you'll make it. Remember that if you feel that nobody loves you, I do. I really do. You'll make it through the worst of things, you always have. Believe in yourself and try to be more outgoing. You'll enjoy it so much more. You're capable. You're able. You're going to be okay.

And with that, I think I'm ready. I'm ready to face a new year. I don't want to set up many expectations. I want to be happy and that is all.
So, with 11 hours until the New Year, I'll be waiting, hanging out with Haleigh and Crystal, and making the best of my last few hours in this year, a year that I'll never be able to relive. And I can honestly say, I'm happy about that. I'm making room for more happiness. Life is great and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.

Bring on 2012!


I'm not sad anymore, I'm just tired of this place. If this year would just end, I think we'd all be okay.

I feel so fucking alone. I can't stop being sad and I don't know why. I'm just so fucking sad all of the time.
I told myself that I would stop being so sad and mopey and I thought that it would be easy. It isn't a choice anymore. I'm just not happy anymore.
I feel like Haleigh and Crystal hate me and I have no clue why. I honestly want to spend everyday of every weekend with them, but they seem to not want to hangout as badly as I want to.
My roommates broke a couple of my ornaments and for some reason, that really hurt my feelings. I'm not even mad that they broke them. I'm just sad. I don't even know why. It made me so fucking sad. I guess I just feel like they don't care enough about me to take care of my shit. I don't know.
I hate being so alone here. I hate not fitting in. I feel like everybody thinks that everybody else here is hilarious and a great person and I'm just viewed as boring or weird. I hate being the outcast. I hate being the odd one. I'm not odd, people just don't get me. Not that I'm extremely complex, but I don't always like to do things that others like. I don't like video games or movies or things like that. I just like to talk and get to know people and play music and sing and be happy. That's it.
I don't want Christmas to be here. Actually, I'm pretty scared. I don't want it to be terrible. I just want everything to be fixed. I have no sense of family and everything is just spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I can't fix it. I can't make things alright and that scares me.
Usually, in the past, I've been able to feel okay and make myself better, but that isn't the case anymore. I can't stop it. The sadness won't stop. I've tried, but it's hard when even those that you fucking love with everything in you fucking reject you.
I can't do this much longer. I can't keep being this unhappy because it's driving me insane. I feel miserable. It's getting too difficult. I try to talk to people, but they couldn't care less and I know I annoy them. I guess I complain too much.
I know I couldn't ever kill myself but the thought of being dead has been on my mind much too often lately.
I'm so sorry to everybody that I bother. It's just difficult because I feel things so intensely. It's just too difficult.
I'm sorry.
I just want to be happy.

I honestly wish you wouldn't talk about it.

It makes me so fucking sad.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of everyone being so pissed, mad, upset with each other. I'm tired of people being mad at me for being me. I'm tired of everyone else choosing the date, time, place, mood.
I'm changing and I'm no longer saying sorry.
I'm starting to grow into myself.

I'm trying to come out of my shell

But these people make me feel uncomfortable.

I have to keep reminding myself

If I want to be different, I have to do different things. If I want to benremembered, I have to do memorable things.

Forever biting my tongue.

I wish I had the guts to say shit to people instead of holding it in.

Alright, none of you understand.

You never will.

You're not a friend.

That's not what friends do.

Hm.

I guess you get a new haircut and that gives you free reign to be a bitch. Whatever.

The day is here.

Today, I graduate.
I feel like this is a very important time in my life, as I won't ever see half of these people ever again. This feeling is very weird to me, but it's also refreshing in a way. I get to meet new people, people who have no idea who I am, and I'm so thankful for that. I get to start being exactly who I want to be and I'm completely ready for this opportunity.

Before Senior year started, I wrote a blog about how I was ready for the year. Well, I made it through, so I guess I was prepared enough. Some of the things that happened were insane. I've gone against myself, I've learned about myself, and I've lost myself. I'm currently trying to find who I am, still, but I'm still able to be happy.

This year was one of the best I've had. Marching band was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better show than Fureza. I met Sarah. Although things didn't work out with her, and she probably hates my guts, I care a lot about her, and I wish her the best of luck in the future. Ms. Lojewski impacted me a lot this year. I've always wanted to click with one teacher and she became the one. Every second hour, during dual-enrollment, me and Katie would sit in her classroom with her and we'd just talk. Sometimes, we'd go buy Ms. Lojewski breakfast, and we were somewhat of a Breakfast Club, as Lojo called it. She taught me so many lessons, joked around with us, and most of all, cared about me. She cared about my well-being, my school-work, and me as a person. I really appreciate all she has done for me, and I'll miss her immensely.

I actually didn't really lose any friends this year, which I'm happy about. I made new ones, like Haley, who I went to fifth grade camp with, which was so much fun! Me and her sat by each other at every meal, all of the kids said we were "making googley eyes" at each other, and we spent all of our time together. We jammed, we did the activities, had coffee breaks, and threw fruit snacks in the air while trying to catch them in our mouths, only to cover the whole porch in fruit snacks. We were the best dancers at the hoe-down, too! She definitely made the experience more fun and a lot more enjoyable.

Prom was a lot of fun. I went with Jamie-Lynn and I couldn't have asked for a better date! She's really pretty and we had a lot of fun together! After, we went up to Jamie's cabin in Canadian Lakes, and while there, we got a flat tire, and we had to drive home on a almost-flat tire because we didn't have a certain wrench to get one of the tire bolts off. The talk me and Jamie had on the last night is one that I'll never forget.

I learned a lot this school year. I learned that I'm not friends with a lot of people. I learned that I'm not out there as much as I thought and not many people know me. I learned that I need to stand up for myself and make my own decisions. I've learned how to start getting over the anxiety that I have and to get on with my life. I learned how to start being happy, even if things are pretty shitty.
I learned how to be myself.

"Charlie, I just wanted to say congratulations. Congratulations because, in a class that is completely dominated by females, you were the one guy to step up and make something of himself." Katie Stevenson made my day when she said this. Thank you, Katie, even though you'll never read this.

Now, with all of this said, I graduate today. I graduate second in my class with a 4.0377 GPA and I get to give a speech, which I'm actually nervous for, but I'm happy I get to. I hope I do well.

I'm finally done. It's sad, but it's time, and I'm fine with that. There's always a point where you have to move on, and I've reached that point. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm okay with it, and I'm just going to take the memories I have, keep them for what they are, and make more. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be successful. I'm going to be great, I just know it.


So, after graduation, it starts. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to hangout with my friends, I'm going to go to college, hopefully meet someone who I fall absolutely in love with, and I hope to make it so far in life. I have such high hopes for the future. I want to become a musician and a writer and I have so much left to accomplish in my life.


Here's to a new chapter in life!

Similarities

Talk shit to me.
Walk all over me.
Take me for granted.
Get the same shit as me.
Nobody really likes.

Yup.

It's fine, just cut me off.

I really don't mind.

I must stop

Always wanting more than I can/should have.

Why do people try and stop my happiness?

Why can't I do what I want without you trying to stop me? I have pretty strong morals, but they're what I think, not you. If I wanna have sex, I'm going to have sex. Just know that I'm not going to go around fucking every girl I see; I'm still a virgin, but one day, I'll lose it to someone who I love, which will be MY choice, not yours.
I'm allowed to like, flirt, kiss, and hold hands with anyone I chose. Stop worrying so much. I'm not going to fuck up my life. Yeah, I may get fucked over, but in all honesty, I've been fucked over so many times, so why does it matter?
You don't care about me or my well-being; you just don't have many other people and you don't want me to abandon you. Yeah, I'm anti-social, but you know damn well that I'm charismatic and I'm full of charm when I choose to be.
Don't keep restricting me; restriction forces me to free myself.

Yup.

All about you.

I can't do it anymore.

Anything.
Everything is such a big deal for my family. I would like to get a book for AP Calc to study for the AP Exam on Wednesday, but it's such a big deal and nobody will take me to get one.
"Ask Crystal to take you."
"No," I said, very sternly.
I'm just tired of my "family" not being able to do things for me. Why should my friends have to pick up the slack that my family leaves? I'm just so sad. So fucking sad.
And nobody seems to care. I just want one person, one person who cares for me no matter what. Somebody that I know will never be disappointed in me, even if I fuck up, because they see that everybody makes mistakes. I think that I'm that caring, and I do that for others, why can't they do it for me?
I'm just sad. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm crazy.
Yes, I do like somebody. No, I won't tell them. It'll get ruined, feelings won't be reciprocated, and I'm just not doing that anymore. I just need help.

Right now

I love my life. Nothing extraordinary happened, i just love life. And I love myself.

It kind of bums me out that you just didn't care enough.

I'm sorry I asked you for a favor.

This will be a really personal post, but I have to do it.

I have way too much on my plate right now. Way too much. I honestly don't give a fuck who reads this. I mean, I don't care if, by a slight chance, anyone I know reads this.
Me and Sarah have been talking for two months (today, actually), but my feelings seem to be slipping, like they always do. I don't know why they do. It's weird though. I know I still like her, but something is pushing me, telling me no, so my mind argues with my feelings, and my head always wins. I like Sarah, but there is just something about this situation that I hate. Maybe it's the being tied down? Well, it's not like I sleep with anyone, so what's my problem? I'm a flirt, and I know it. I like the idea of being able to like whoever I choose. Yeah, I'm overweight, and yeah, I'm not the most attractive, but I do believe I manage. I believe that my personality is above-par (not to seem cocky or anything, but hey, I can compliment myself) and that I'm not too horrid looking. I believe that I do well with what I have. Now with that said, I like flirting with girls, even if they don't really think I'm flirting, whatever. I like to feel like I have a chance. And maybe the fact that this feeling is taken away when seriously talking with a girl is why I hate feeling tied down or whatever.
Also, I believe the three-year age gap may be taking it's toll. Don't get me wrong, she's a mature girl, and she's nice, humorous, and understands me very well, but sometimes, I want to do things. Not meaning I want to have sex, but I want to do things, because making out isn't really my favorite thing to do. I mean, I don't want to have sex, but I do. Whatever, I just want to do things. I want to experience things, and I know she isn't ready and I'd never push her to do something that she doesn't want. You see, I'm changing. I feel like I want to share feelings with somebody, but I also feel that I want to just hang out with girls, hold hands for no reason, kiss them, do whatever. I just want to do things without consequence. Even if we were to have feelings I want to be able to experience so much. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.
I know I still like Sarah, I just want to be with her and still be free, and I know that's completely impossible. I'm not crazy, I swear. I just want so many contradicting things at the same time. I guess it'd just be better for me to be single forever. I'm not sure. I just need to do things. I'm just going to do things that I want in the moment and deal with the consequences later, because either way, I'll make it through. And since I can usually create my own happiness, I should be fine.
I just feel like I need to keep writing, as it's making me feel better, so here comes my flood of thoughts.
I want to go. I want to go somewhere, where there is no stress, pain, consequence, judgment. I want to go somewhere, make and listen to music, read, write, kiss the most beautiful girls and tell them how much I love them and just get to know them and they get to know me. I just want to tell people who I am. I want to know who people are. I want to show people the real me, and I want to show people how fun and outgoing and appreciative I can be. I want to go out there and start making my mark. I want to prove to other people that boys can be nice, that they just need their own time to mature and improve. I want to drive on the highway with my window down and feel the wind blowing back my hair, listening to summer music, and I want that slight smile to come to my face and the laughter that follows as I think of how embarrassing it would be if someone saw me randomly smiling, but then remember that I shouldn't be embarrassed for smiling, because smiling is beautiful and I need to do it more often because I like being happy. I want to stare into the other cars and feel a slight pain in my body because I'll never know who the people in the car are or where they're going, but I'll hope the best for them, no matter who they are or what their story is. I want to be free from obligation. I want to be the perfect guy for somebody. I want to be understood and assured that everything will be okay despite the fact that I don't think so. I want my parents to tell me that they fucking love me and that no matter what, they'll always be proud of me and that no matter what I do in the future, I'll be successful. I want my brothers to be proud of me. I want not have to sleep ever again. I want to be known by others for being a happy, smart, introspective guy. I want to not have anxiety anymore. I want my sinus infection to go away. I want to lose weight, and I want to be able to keep the motivation to do so. I want to be so successful and I want to keep the friends I have now because I really do fucking love them. All of them. Haleigh, Crystal, Katie, Mykayla, Jamie, Zack, Nicole and Sarah. I want to talk to Brandy, Shelby, Kaylah, Brittany Bonnici, and Christy again. I miss them so much. I want everything to work out. I want my grandparents to show me even the smallest amount of love. I want my dog Mandy to live forever. Gidjett, too. I want to lay on the hammock in the middle of summer and be engulfed in the burning stars' light. I want to raise my own baby lion. I want to have a child and I want to expose them to everything and I want them to know that I fucking love them, and I always will. I want to instill so many good morals and views into them and I want them to do the same exact thing to me. I want to show people that I'm capable. I want to be perfectly content. I want to fall in and out of love so many times, listen to the best music, take the most embarrassing pictures with my best friends, never have to part with my friends, stay young forever and be the happiest fucking person that this planet has ever gave life to.
I hope this isn't too much to ask for.

I like this.

I've always known this, but for some reason, it's really starting to intrigue me: I really enjoy the fact that people never really know whats going on in my head. People never know how to pin-point who I really am, and I love it. People probably think I'm weird and I love it. I want to start putting myself out there more, so that I can be more a mystery. I want to be free and to travel and do wherever and whatever I please. I want to do things without consequence. I want to fall, but get back up. I want to kiss, but not love. I want to speed down the highway, but not crash. I want to fly, but not crash. I want to be absolutely free amd nobody understands this.
I'll give an example:
I want to make music and write novels. I want to travel the world and listening to music while doing so. I want to meet new people. I want to kiss all the beautiful girls I can and not be tied down. I want many loves in my life, but to not be tied down by them. I want there to be an unalterable love between us, even if we're with different people. I want to laugh often and loudly. I want to give back to the Earth, give back things that are better than what were given to me. I want a kid, one who I can talk of my experiences. I want to be happy forever.
I'm going to stop now, as I feel I'm giving my mystery away.
Thank you for reading.

Perception

I recently heard that some kid called me gay. I'm not sure if this is true, as he is denying it, but it got me to thinking. Although I'm not gay, do I come off as homosexual? Which led me to think, what am I perceived as?

Let me tell you what I am: I'm a boy. I'm straight. I'm insecure. I'm tall. I'm overweight. I'm shy. I'm not confident in myself. I'm intelligent. I'm slightly humorous. I'm appreciative. I'm irate, a lot. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm an observer. I'm an introvert. I'm a band geek. I'm nervous. I'm an Atheist. I'm a support of abortion and gay-rights. I'm not serious. I'm easy-going. I'm calm. I'm a realist. I'm my own person. I'm like nobody you've ever met, and I can guarantee that. I'm sensitive. I'm a perfectionist. I'm much better than I'm treated. I'm an ambitious, young-man who will make it in this harsh world. I'm human.

If you didn't notice, none of these statements dealt with your opinion, the reader's opinion. I'm not what you think I am, nor will I ever be. I don't fall into a certain category. And for insults I've ever heard about me, keep them coming. It is these insults that drive me to continue being who I am and, most of the time, I find them sort-of funny, as I'm not gay, and being overweight is something I'm working on.

Your perception of me will never be correct.

Renovation

This is my new page, where I'm going to place my thoughts. No matter how dark, cynical, or crazy, I am going to write them down here for all of you, most likely nobody, to read. I just can't let people I know, people who won't understand me, read this. I need people who understand and allow people to be.
I want you to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not sad, really. I just feel too much, that's all. I just care for people in a huge way, and I'm constantly let down, which forces me to think the way I do.
Also, a lot of the time, I think of things that have no relevance in my life. I think of some pretty morbid things, but I don't feel them. Hopefully this makes sense. I just feel like you can think things, but you don't have to feel or believe them.
I'm just a teenager, with the best of intentions, trying to get through High School. I know it'll all get better, but I just need a place where everything can go and be understood. I don't want all of these posts to be sad or anything, I just want them to be real, to be me. I'll give you that promise, that they'll just be me and be real and what I truly feel. Hopefully somebody will appreciate this.
Thank you.

Is there a reason that I'm constantly treated like shit?

Haha what the hell?

Things affect me more than you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reassuring me that I can't ever talk to you. About anything. Thank you.

If I keep biting my tongue,

I may just bleed to death.

Let it go, Charlie.

Let it go.

Going to bed is always the worst part of my day.

My brain never wants to shut off.

My new outlook.

I'm done being sad or upset over stupid things. Life's too short to be anything but happy. Life is good and I'm going to finally start living.

I'm fucking done.

Iight bitch, lata.

Wow

Way to make an ass out of yourself.

If you were a "friend"

You would respect me.
You would help me out once in a while.
You would help me in my pursuit of happiness, as I help you.
You would actually care for me.
You would ask me 'whats wrong?' and actually try to help me, and not just want to know why.
You would help me with work, instead of making me do it all and you get all the credit.
You would actually show me that I'm your best friend instead of just saying it.
You would say nice things about me when I'm not there, instead of bashing me for my decisions.

You would be there for me.

Thanks for the concern.

I sure love knowing that you care.

I feel like nobody cares.

I'm going to stop being an inconvienience to them.

It's just

When your illusion of things gets shattered, you become this depressed being. Everything sucks to you and nothing feels good anymore. You kind of just lose faith in people and you start to question yourself. It just makes me feel like shit.

Epiphany # 1

I'm a pessimist. This isn't the epiphany that just happened to me, but I am a pessimist. But what I just realized is that I'm a grateful pessimist. A realist pessimist, maybe. I'm not sure.
For instance, I do see things in a negative light. Well, not really the negative, but for what they are, and in all honesty, I don't think things are all that great. But I see the glass half-empty. But the contents that fill up half of this glass, well, I am thankful for them. I don't believe this puts me in the category as an optimist, but I do believe it puts me above being a pessimist, in a way. I look at the downside of things, but appreciate that my glass is at least half-full.


Maybe you think I'm an optimist. Or maybe this doesn't make sense to you. Or maybe you just think I'm crazy. Whatever.

Things are better.

I've gotten forgiveness and I couldn't be happier :)

Sometimes, peoples' disregard towards other people is too much.

I understand, I really do. I'm sorry. Only 7 months.

Yup.

Thanks.

My feelings are tearing me apart.

There are so many things tearing me apart right now.

I hate when people get a big head, or want all the credit, or are a bitch for no reason. I don't understand it. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you like people? Yeah, I don't like many people, or show affection or whatever, but I care for them. That might not make sense to anyone else, but I care for everyone, I just don't like them for the choices they make. But why do you blow up on them? Then you wonder why people don't like you. Isn't it obvious?
I hate when people only want the benefit of things. I do help, and I let you take the credit for everything. It pisses me off beyond belief, and I wish you'd stop taking advantage of me since I'm supposed to be your "friend."
I hate the fact that I may move down in my class. I will feel like a complete failure. I just wish I could hold my spot, but I'm not sure how promising that is. I guess I'll just have to accept it if it happens.
I hate that I can't make anybody happy. I just feel like nobody cares anymore. I can't do anything right and I just upset everyone.
I wish I could commit to one person, but my feelings are always changing. I like girls who give me the slightest bit of attention, and it's pathetic. I get these random spurts of feelings for people, but I'm always scared that they'll go away so I never try, I never try to restore what once was.
I had a dream about you today and I miss you so much. It was so nice, in that dream, where we talked again. I woke up with a sensation of happiness, just at the thought of talking to you. I miss you terribly. I'm so sorry.


Where is my head anymore? Why can't I just stop being so sad. It's so annoying, but I can't help it. I'll fix it, I hope. I hope that this will all get better soon. I'm sorry for wasting this space on the internet since I know that nobody is going to read this, and the slight chance that somebody does, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I really am.

What are you doing with your life again?

Oh yeah, I forgot, nothing.
Start critiquing me when you grow the fuck up.

I'm not depressed,

I've just lost all faith in humanity.
Everyone is so annoying.
People are so phony, and I don't mind if that makes me sound like an annoying teenager referencing Holden Caufield.
People want so much attention, and its disgusting.
People want all the credit, but aren't willing to work for it.

I'm just so disgusted.

I'm done.

So fucking done.

You're a cunt.

Fuck you.

Woooooow

You're a bitch.

I've realized something.

Not suddenly, I've just been trying to formulate it into words, I guess. And gain the confidence to actually admit it.
I cannot care for another human the way that they want me to. I'm not sure why. Maybe something happened in my past that triggered it? Maybe it's a collection of events? Maybe it's the reason I think? Maybe it just isn't for me.
I like dating, for the first few weeks, anyways. I like the excitement, the new-ness of it. But after a while, I feel like it's a burden. It's not that I don't like the person back, but I fear that I can't give enough. I start to feel smothered and I start to want to pull away. I need my space. I need my freedom and the ability to do what I want without having to tell someone what I'm doing, or to text somebody constantly. I just feel like my personal space is being taken from me, and I hate the feeling of that. I like to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want, but I also like people, so I'm torn. I like the affection, I like getting to know people better and talking with them. I do get feelings for people, and they're usually strong, but these reasons make me pull away.
I just feel like I can't reciprocate the feelings correctly and I feel like it's a lie. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, so, even though I'm going against what I actually want, I end it, so that I don't lead them on or make it one-sided, where they're putting in all the effort.


I'm a really weird kid, I know. I'm trying to get better, I swear.

Sometimes

I say I'm alright, but inside I'm filled with rage. I compose myself and try and act like its fine, because i know, in the future, it will be, but this rage gets to me sometimes. I just need someone to talk to. I want someone to sit with me and talk with me about everything forever.
I just want a friend.

I just decided that,

I miss this site. I had moved to Tumblr for a while, which I will keep, but I'm going to keep updating this site too, because I feel like this site is the place for longer blogs, which I've been wanting to do, and tumblr is just a site to post things you like. That's my personal opinion.

So I'll be writing more on here, even though I highly doubt that anybody reads this.